Pull up a chair, a queen-sized hankie and a bottle of something strong, and the then prepare to spend the rest of the day hitting “forward” on this story until your precious little eyeballs and fingers go numb and threaten to detach themselves from your body.

Fellow blogger Colin, who runs the show over at the New Now Next blog, basically has a direct line to Paula Abdul. He’s interviewed her several times, he’s shared a car with her, and he even got flowers and a hand-written note from the woman. (We love-hate you Colin!)

He also the most extraordinary, most epic, most vintage Paula interview we have ever read in our lives. It’s long, it’s strong, it’s strange, and it’s worth every minute you’re gonna spend reading every word of it. Trust us on that one.

In the interview, an unbelievably verbose Paula tells a rapt Colin (seriously, there’s like a 98:2 ratio of her words to his) all about Castrogate and what really happened that night. She also slams the show’s producers and accuses them of using her as a scapegoat, basically claims that her powers of reinvention trump that of Madonna’s… and then… she cries. Like there’s no tomorrow, she cries.

Read all of New Now Next’s interview with Paula Abdul. And Colin, if she sends you a Birkin bag or something, we’re gonna have to hate you for real. (JK! Love you!)