You see that guy on the right? That’s you (well, Charles Dickens as you) without the internet. Just growing a beard and thinking about life and not tweeting it. Why are you so bearded and contemplative and not updating your status or watching Spencer and Heidi montages set to Coldplay songs? Because Prince, shown on the left wearing a tunic with his likeness, said the internet is “completely over.”
The Purple One told “The Mirror” that the internet is bad for him because it doesn’t give him an advance on his recordings, and it’s bad for you because “All these computers and digital gadgets are no good. They just fill your head with numbers, and that can’t be good for you.”
OK, so seeing as how this will be my last blog post ever, I figured I’d better map out what you, me and everyone we know will be doing with ourselves from now on.
Here are 10 things that will replace the internet now that Prince says the net is over.
1.) Collecting Stamps: Now that you’re back to mailing letters, you might as well make a hobby out of collecting these things.
2.) Peppermint Starlight Mints: These things are delicious. You can spend eight hours a day eating them. You might as well. There won’t be an internet.
3.) Justin Bieber‘s Hair: We can all slowly watch it grow. But sadly, we’ll have nowhere to tweet about it. (DAMN YOU, PRINCE! DAMN YOU!)
4.) Reruns of “Two Guys, A Girl And A Pizza Place”: Without the internet, you’ll have plenty of time to ponder why Ryan Reynolds’ late-’90s show went off the air in the first place.
5.) Going Outside: Whatever.
6.) Going To A Show Featuring A Band You’ve Never Heard Of, Falling For Them And Buying Their Music From Their Merch Table: It’s like streaming music. But louder.
7.) Pizza: Hard to mess this up.
8.) Napping Cats: Specifically, watching them and then, when that becomes too strenuous, joining them in slumber.
9.) Writing Down Your Thoughts On Paper, Xeroxing Them And Handing Them Out To Friends And Strangers. Whatever happened to ‘zines anyway? Those were so adorable!
10.) Learning The Proper Use Of English Again: WTF?!
OK. Now go watch MGMT’s “Kids” video. While you still have a place to watch weird videos.