Open Letter To Mariah Carey Regarding Her Stunning 70-Pound Weight Loss!

Mariah Carey before and after her weight loss. Credit: Jenny

Dear Mariah Carey,

Girl, you made it HAPPEN! Congrats on your amazing weight loss of 70 POUNDS after giving birth to twins Moroccan and Monroe just six months ago. Just as you weren’t shy showing off your baby bump (heck, sometimes you even decorated it for us) now, you’ve breezily blown into “The Rosie Show” on OWN rocking a tight black mini-mini, revealing a new body you put in WERQUE for.

Clearly, sweet destiny carried you through desperation. We think you look great at any weight, but YOU had a vision of love AND a slimmer you, and you’ve proven that with a little willpower, a girl can be back in her skinny jeans after birthing not one but TWO humans, in just a few months. (Please. No Mom Jeans for Mariah.) What’s more, you’ve launched a successful side-hustle as a Jenny Craig diet plan spokesperson. (Side note: did you know it’s just “Jenny,” now? No Craig! Who knew?)

So kudos (or, in the parlance of Ramona Singer, “kudooze”) to you, MC. We think you look so phenomenal, we sort of DO want to cry tears of jealousy and joy over how fabulous you look. We think the world will take you up on that invitation to Touch [Your] Body. You’ve effectively proven that all you wanted for Christmas this year was a svelte bod and an Us Weekly cover story.

Mission accomplished.

Love,

Us

Credit: Us Weekly