An Open Letter To NEWLY SINGLE ADAM LEVINE (!!!!!!!)

Maroon 5′s Adam Levine and ex-girlfriend Anne Vyalitsyna

Greetings Adam Levine,

You and your girlfriend of the last two years, supermodel Anne Vyalitsyna, were an unfairly good-looking couple. Like, Darwin would probably post a photo of you on his Tumblr if he was alive in 2012 and be like, “This is what I’m talking about re: survival of the fittest.” But hey, in the words of Maroon 5, “This love has taken its toll.” Y’all done broke up, and we are throwing a party feeling some (minute) pangs of sympathy.

Read more of our breakup letter to Adam Levine after the jump.

While we can spend all day wondering what went wrong — Did she go home without you? Did she make you wonder why you ever gave a f*** about her? — the best thing to do is move forward. Burn those old Victoria’s Secret test photos of hers, pull yourself up by the $300 bootstraps and get back out there! Sure, Anne was like, exotic and beautiful and skinny and Russian and actually smart and funny from what I could tell from that Howard Stern interview. But have you ever gone out with a girl who won a perfect attendance trophy from her recreational bowling league in second grade? Or a girl who can turn any potato chip into the shape of a U.S. state? What about a girl who drove on a flat tire for two days to the point where she cracked the rim?

Your dreams can come true with me, Adam! I obtain all of those qualities, and I only overdraw my bank account like, maybe three times a month! But hey, even if I’m not your cup of tea (I have never modeled… professionally), still understand that there are plenty of fish in the sea. And maybe one Sunday morning, you’ll find another girl who will be loved.

Sincerely,

Nicole

Me and Adam at my modeling school graduation

Photo credit: Getty Images/Nicole James