Britney Spears cements her place in “X Factor” history. (Ba-DUM)
Apparently, “The X Factor” is a talent competition in which singing hopefuls from across the country audition in front of judges in an effort to make their dreams come true.
But what I saw on my screen last night during the “X Factor” premiere was a no-holds-barred Stan session devoted to the pop industry’s most free-of-all-flaw goddess of all time: the legendary Miss Britney Spears, who delivered sass, shade, sassy shade, shady sass, sympathetic sighs, side-claps, snackin’ and bucket loads upon bucket loads of legendary Spearitual iconicness. (Also, there was some singing by other people or something.)
Obviously, every single moment that Britney appeared, mentioned, or merely could have appeared onscreen deserves a mention, but I’ve got to go with the very best of the B. And so, here’s a little roundup of all of the deliciously memorable moments from Britney’s first night on “The X Factor.” That’s right, y’all — IT’S BRITNEY ON “THE X FACTOR,” BITCH! (And Demi!)
1.) Ooh Ooh Baby: Britney, generally speaking, could not be bothered with approximately 97-100 percent of the contestants that walked onto that stage last night — except during the first audition. When contestant Paige Thomas, a single mother, brought her adorable little girl Jade out onstage for her audition, Britney shot straight up into full-on mommy mode: WAVING. GIGGLING. BEAMING. COOING. And then — Jade smiled and waved back! D’AWWWWW! By the end, the entire audience was on their feet cheering, while I was on the ground, melted into a puddle of rainbows, glitter and ponies. Cuteney. Overload.
2.) Oh, the Shadeney of it all!: No less than 20 minutes into the episode, and “X Factor” already serving us a healthy, heaving helping of brutally honest Critiqueney: “No.” “No, sorry.” “You’re off-key.” “That was bad.” “I don’t think you’re right for this show.” “No.” “No.” “No.” “No.” (It’s Britney, bitch!) OUCH. Harsh? Maybe. But as any loyal Britney Stan would tell you, she’s not being mean — it’s just constructive criticism!
Check out more of our favorite Britney moments from the premiere of “The X Factor” after the jump!
3.) “You’re flawless!”
Which is so funny and meta, because you’re the flawless one, Britney!
4.) Candy From Strangers: Sensory wise, a lot of things were happening here — and none of them good: When contestant Shawn Armenta performed his semi-creepy, semi-pervy, definitely terrible rendition of “Candy Girl,” B and Demi quickly bonded in their horror and confusion. Once the judging began, Demi dared to suggest that Shawn wasn’t quite what they were looking for, and he shot back rudely: “That’s why you use Auto-Tune.” OH. NO. HE. DIDN’T. But before a Lovatic could fly up onstage and show off an acoustic rendition of “Give Your Heart A Break” on their phone, Britney had already sprung into action as Overprotectiveney: “I want to know who let you onstage,” she groggily demanded. (I think she may or may not have just awoken from a nap — still unclear.) “I feel uncomfortable with you just staring at me.” BOOM. The poor sap then limped off, defeated — presumably wheeled back to the asylum from whence he came. Nice going, Demi and B! Shut ‘em down.
5.) I Will Still Love You…Until Right Now: When a man named Don Philip walked out onstage, Britney shrieked, “I know him!” For those of you who also go to bed cuddling a Britney: The Singles Collection box, you might already know that Don did a duet with Britney 14 years ago on a song called “I Will Still Love You.” It’s been a while since then, and, well, Don’s clearly been through something. Or on something — I don’t know. But Don was a blubbering mess once he saw Britney again. “I thought I’d never see you again!” he shrieked, breaking down onstage. Like the blessed mother and nurturing spirit she is, Godney granted him a few coos of sorrow: “Oh no!” And then, red-faced and puffy, he began his cover of Beyoncé‘s “Halo.” And. He. Was. READY! Er, actually no. No, he was not. He was miserable. A nightmare. And Britney ultimately had to give him the final “no” that sent him blubbering backstage. Don made me feel terrible, he made B feel terrible, and he probably made all of America feel terrible. We felt many feelings, but mercifully, the Holy Spearit’s light shone on.
6.) For Those Who Wink Young: That wink! An obvious allusion to her historic Pepsi Generation commercial.
7.) Chew Somethin’: A pop idol’s still gotta eat — and that’s exactly what the ladies did. Well, mostly Britney. I don’t know what they’re serving up on that judge’s table (M&M’s? Peanuts? Bite-size strawberry frappes?), but Britney was LOVIN’ THE SNACKS. Just gobblin’ that ish UP — during interviews with the contestants, during that performance by Emblem3 — oh sorry, is my mouth full? Guess what: No1curr! That’s my B.
8.) That’s My Prerogative: When a gentleman took to the stage in a full wedding dress (clearly 2003 MTV VMAney-inspired) and bright pink lipstick to perform Lady Gaga‘s equality anthem “Born This Way,” the whole stadium giggled with delight and confusion. But the ladies were LOVIN’ it once he launched into a mesmerizing dance falling somewhere between “RuPaul’s Drag Race” and “American Idol.” “I was entertained!” Britney mumbled in between chews of her delicious mystery treats. “I say yes!” agreed Demi. And just like that, the Holy Spearit’s well-documented legacy as a LGBTQ warrior blazed onward. Slay that intolerance and prejudice, m’ladies! Slay, slay away!
9.) Spearitual Scribblings: The ladies were writing up a storm, weren’t they? During the performances, B and D took to jotting down notes, perhaps to keep track of the contestants/pass the time during the terrible auditions. Oh, to be looking over their shoulders. “HOT!!!” wrote Demi for one contestant. And as for the Holy Spearit? Well, she never revealed her sacred scribbles, but I’m assuming they were something along the lines of: “I am flawless,” “Flawless — oh wait, that’s me!” and most likely, “Keep on looking flawless till the show ends.”
10.) Tears and Tiny Claps: During a particularly poignant moment at the show’s end, contestant Jillian Jensen opened up to the judges about her struggle with bullying. Demi suddenly became very emotional and bonded with the girl over their shared tattoos (“Stay strong”) and shared experience. Meanwhile, Britney offered some tiny side-claps. Now, to the untrained eye, this might seem like a strange behavioral pattern, but in Britney world, this means one of two things: (a) “I feel for you. Be strong, young warrior princess” or (b) She’s in the middle of doing the choreography for “Till The World Ends.” Frankly, I’m not sure which one she actually meant, but either way, it was legendary.
Oh, you want more? I assure you — she’ll give you more. Prepare for a whole season of Godney!
Photo credit: Getty Images / RealityTVGIFs