Video Premiere: Christina Aguilera, ‘Your Body’

Because everyone wears a bejeweled necklace while making breakfast, right? Wait no, that’s only Christina Aguilera in her “Your Body” video.

At this point, we had a pretty good idea of what was coming in Christina Aguilera‘s “Your Body” video, from her upcoming Lotus album. In addition to listening to the full version of the song nonstop, we’ve been treated to Facebook photo hints, shots of Christina taking a baseball bat to unsuspecting cars, shots of Christina sitting on hideous couches and fanning herself while she makes breakfast, as well as a video clip where she casually blows up a vehicle. But, none of that even compares to the actual full-length version, which you can finally watch and bask in all of its glorious, glammy gaudiness! And also, brace yourselves y’all, because if you thought Christina was Shakiritated in the previews, you’d best understand that she is crazy pissed in the full-length version. Aggro on a trillion. Staten Island girls be getting MAD.

Watch Christina Aguilera’s “Your Body” video after the jump.

In her “Your Body” video — directed by Melina Matsoukas, with a hat tip to Quentin Tarantino — Christina plays a murder-prone temptress on the prowl. Think Beyoncé and Gaga’s “Telephone” video (you’ve been a bad girl, Christina!) meets M.I.A.’s “Bad Girls” meets “True Romance and “Monster,” but with way less blood and mullets, and a ton more leopard-print, neon, rhinestones, and glitter. Lots and lots of glitter. But, like, almost not enough. In a nutshell, Christina spends her days looking over-the-top gorgeous and then picking up (and killing!) hot male models. She occasionally stops at the gas station for a delicious Slurpee (can’t blame her for a second), but unfortunately, after enjoying her iced confection, she axes the gas station attendant, just because. After her mid-a.m. spree, Christina pauses to give herself a quick spray tan (even murderers get blotchy, guys!!) but not before checking in with her online psychic pal who warns that she’s going to have a “killer day.” Because PUNS! And explosions of kitsch! Also, Slurpees, psychics, and spray tans: These are a few of our favorite things, too! Also, it’s the MOST satisfying thing to see Christina return to her unabashedly outrageous, tongue-in-cheek videos like “Lady Marmalade,” “Can’t Hold Us Down” and “Dirrty.” Because as much as we love cleaned-up Christina and stripped-up down Christina, we love more-is-more, DGAF Christina most of all.

And finally, although we wouldn’t advocate you go out and murder anyone ever (you should only murder beats), we do have to give it to Christina because she sure knows how to kill gracefully. I mean, the lady somehow managed to asphyxiate a dude using only glitter while wearing 7-inch stilettos. Our only qualm with the whole concept is why kill off every male model? You couldn’t have at least left one for us to gawk at? Such a waste of gorgeous.

+ Watch Christina Aguilera’s “Your Body” video, and check out our “Your Body” GIF wall!

Photo credit: RCA