Taylor Swift and Conor Kennedy split. I’m not sure if they’re ever getting back together.
Taylor Swift might need a strong bubble bath and a strong drink. This week alone, she debuted her Red album, premiered her new video “Begin Again,” shut down Times Square, pulled a Meryl Streep on “Good Morning America,” and reportedly ended her relationship with Conor Kennedy. And we all know what happens when homegirl breaks up with someone…
Conor seems like a nice kid, but I’d steer clear of writing a song called “I’ll Never Call You Grandma, Ethel.” (In Massachusetts, Kennedys are required to take the bar exam at their baptism. They’re litigious. I’m just guessing.) That’s why it’s crucial you take my advice, especially in the delicate post-breakup stage when that fifth glass of pinot greej pours itself, the Oxygen network runs a “Bridges Of Madison County” marathon every single night, and the one ex’s number you didn’t delete
(Jake Gyllenhaall’s) taunts your texting fingers.
Read more about how to breakup with a guy and stay broken up.
Read this incredible book by comedian/smart person Julie Klausner. It’s called “I Don’t Care About Your Band: What I Learned from Indie Rockers, Trust Funders, Pornographers, Felons, Faux-Sensitive Hipsters, and Other Guys I’ve Dated.” It will be your bible for my second piece of advice, plus Julie really likes it when people read it with their cats. Capiche, Meredith? Just read it, trust.
BE SINGLE FOR A HOT NANOSECOND. You’re only 22! You have your whole life to be disappointed by men. Enjoy yourself for a while. Make some new friends! Buy “Anna Karenina” on your Kindle and never finish it! Watch game shows — at night! Wear sweaters without buttons! There’s a whole world out there, and it’s pretty great if you let yourself discover it. BY YOURSELF. Not through, with, or cuddling next to anyone else.
I’m going to tell you something my grandmother whispered to me on her deathbed: Be your own arm candy. Psych, she didn’t say that. But she did tell me not to worry about “all that bunk” and be happy with what I have. I think she was talking about getting caught up in someone else and not comparing myself to other people, or her jewelry. Either way, words to live by.
We know it’s hard when there’s so MUCH “HAPPY” COUPLES REINFORCEMENT EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK. You are Taylor Swift, your skin is incredible, you’re probably a billionaire, and lots of little girls and little boys who know what “fuchsia” is look up to you. Not the side piece walking next to you.
And lastly, take your own advice. You wrote THE SONG about that whole never getting-back-together thing. Lemme refresh your memory…
Remember your spirit!
Schoprah (because I remind myself of Oprah)
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