Kimye are officially expecting! Here’s some parenting advice, guys.
So maybe you’ve heard (and if not, WAKE UP!)… but Kim Kardashian and Kanye West, otherwise known as the pop culture god-entity KIMYE, are officially expecting a baby. As in pregnant, as in prego, as in bun in the oven. Knocked… never mind. You get it. A baby will be emerging from Kim Kardashian’s womb in approximately six months, and as you can imagine, we have a lot of feelings about this. (Some hormonal, some intellectual.)
First off, both mom and dad are such massive
egotists entertainment juggernauts that any child born to them could end up in one of two scenarios: One would be like the alien squid baby in “Prometheus.” The other would be the next Blue Ivy. So in the interest of helping baby ‘Ye down the preferable Blue Ivy path, we have some unsolicited parenting advice for Kim and Kanye! ‘Cause the only things we know for sure right now is that bouncing baby Kimye will most likely be born on a bed of rare black roses, doused in “True Reflection,” and crying in Auto-Tune.
Check out our parenting advice for Kimye after the jump.
1.) Babies cost a lot of money, so make sure you’re financially solvent: OK, so, OBVIOUSLY Kimye can afford a baby. Kim and Kanye are loaded! They’ll probably be tempted to clothe that kid in the finest furs and fortify them with gold-laced formula! Just don’t get ahead of yourselves, guys. No baby needs Lanvin fur or Lanvin ANYTHING. We know you’re gonna want to wrap that kid up in only the most absorbent Louis Vuitton diapers, but please, be “just like us” for a second and get the good ol’ Huggies store-bought kind — they’re cheaper AND build character.
2.) Give your baby a niche in the hip-hop community: In many ways, this is probably the best and worst time for Kimye to get pregnant. It’s the best because daddy Kanye made sure his seed was the only thing anybody was talking about on New Year’s Eve. Never one to be outdone, ‘Ye was probably already painfully aware that he’s got Jay-Z and Beyoncé‘s Blue Ivy to contend with, PLUS Wiz Khalifa and Amber Rose’s soon-to-be Wizbud (both pregnancies announced at the MTV VMAs, by the way). There are some legit hip-hop babies on the come-up. So, what does this mean for Kimye’s little Kardashian-to-be? A trilogy of prenatal, live from the delivery room, and postnatal mix tapes produced by Jeff Bhasker with guest spots by Kid Cudi and Young Jeezy? Fingers crossed!
3.) Make sure it’s the best-dressed baby EVER: Kim and Kanye, we know how you guys like to dress to impress. True, sometimes your efforts may get a little out of hand, but given what we already know about your sartorial choices, it’s probably fair to conclude that the world is about to be graced with the best-dressed baby EVER. Like, all-black, baby-size Margiela EVERYTHING. It goes without saying that Kanye will probably purchase an entire infant-size fur coat collection. But whatever you do, think long and hard before you dress your adorable infant in this.
4.) But don’t put it on reality TV: The entire Kardashian Klan found their life blood on TV, but that doesn’t mean Baby Kimye needs its own reality show. (Case in point: HONEY BOO BOO.) Wait a second… What are we talking about? BABY KIMYE TOTALLY NEEDS ITS OWN REALITY SHOW.
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