Destiny’s Child reunion? “Dreamgirls” cry fest? What will Beyonce do during her Super Bowl Halftime performance?
Loyal members of the BeyHive! It’s officially B-day! Well, technically B-Day happened Sept. 4, 2006 (and I would know considering I have the tattoo), but today, less than a month after slaying the national anthem, Beyonce’s returning to the national stage with her halftime performance at the 47th Super Bowl. Now, as someone who gives zero effs about football, I honestly could hardly tell you who’s playing in this national televised sporting competition. If you lined up a football, a basketball, a jai alai ball, Lucille Ball, and an old shoe, I’m not even positive I could correctly identify the right instrument that the football players from who knows which teams will use to engage in whatever one does when you “do football.” But as a Beyonce expert, I have some firm ideas about what I’d like to see happen during Beyonce’s Super Bowl halftime performance.
Beyonce’s notorious for keeping her performance game — and pretty much all of her personal life on lock (remember how she wouldn’t even admit she was married for like two years?). So right now, all we know is that Destiny’s Child may reunite (or not), and that Beyonce’s been rehearsing in stripy leggings, and that’s about it, leaving the field, if you will, wide open to speculate about what Beyonce may or may do during her halftime performance.
As a loyal member of the BeyHive, I’m confident that Beyonce will go far beyond the cliche of just dressing up like a “sexy cheerleader” or “sexy lady football player in a cut-off mesh jersey” and shaking dat ass. Never that. This is a woman who reinvigorated dance with “Crazy In Love” and then did it all over with “Single Ladies” and who gave birth to a normal-size baby human child and then took off her clothes for GQ because she now looks like this.
Naturally, Beyonce’s Super Bowl halftime performance is going to go way beyond pompoms and Vaseline smiles and hair flips, and will probably feel more akin to the invention of a new planet and the beginning of a new religion, but with really really good choreo. But that’s just my guess. And speaking of guesses, here are eight things I’d like to see Beyonce do during her Super Bowl halftime performance.
1.) Beyonce reveals a second baby bump. Remember how aww-dorable and heartwarming it was when Beyonce patted her belly to reveal her pregnancy at the 2011 VMAs and was like “Yep! Hov did that!” That was because he did, and she was carrying the patron saint of talent, wealth, beauty and Tumblr inside of her magical womb. What if she reveals a SECOND baby tonight at the Super Bowl?
2.) Beyonce brings Sasha Fierce out of retirement: But how would we know if it was Sasha or Beyonce? STOP SCREWING WITH OUR HEADS, BEYONCE! Er… Sasha… Er… SEYONCE! UGH, see, she did AGAIN! You did that, Sasha Fierce!
3.) Beyonce resurrects the golden robot suit and performs “Sweet Dreams”: This would require the help of Sasha Fierce (see No. 2, above), and speaking of dreams, this would probably be a pipe dream, but I guarantee you I would certainly s***, because that’s MAH JAM! TURN THE LIGHTS AWN!
4.) Beyonce performs “Listen” from “Dreamgirls.” OK, this will unfortunately never happen, because that track is a deep cut/ B-side at this point, but if it somehow actually did happen, and you need to find me, I’ll just be over here on my couch, ugly crying and singing “And I Am Telling You I’m Not Going,” which is, coincidentally what most of my Sunday evenings look like.
5.) Beyonce brings Lucy Liu, Drew Barrymore and Cameron Diaz out to perform “Independent Women.” On one hand, this would be cool and totally topical if this were Super Bowl XXXIV. On the other hand, it’d be cool since no one would be expecting it. Also, if she could pull Michelle Williams out of retirement, she could definitely pull the “Charlie’s Angels” franchise out of retirement.
Check out more things we’d like to see happen during Beyonce’s Super Bowl halftime performance after the jump!
6.) Beyonce brings out Lil Wayne and Birdman AND Destiny’s Child for “Soldier.” Remember how baby-faced Weezy P. Baby was back then? How straight thug Destiny’s was? The phallic innuendo (“carry big things”? Hm, I think I DO know what you mean, Kelly Rowland!) is probably too hot for national TV, but a girl can dream.
7.) Beyonce brings Barry Gibb AND Samantha Sang out and performs “Emotion.” UGH, speaking of deep cuts. This one would just be so dark but in like a cathartic way.
8.) Beyonce finds Manti Te’o's REAL girlfriend and performs “Why Don’t You Love Me”: HOW good would that one be? She could bust out the sad, sexy housewife look, and she’d hug Manti’s girlfriend and hoist her up on her shoulders, and somehow everyone would finally have answers and finally move on? OK, the chances of Jim Harbaugh having a GIF-worthy meltdown are WAY greater than that happening, but you’ve gotta admit that it’d be super surprising and that my imagination is probably way too overactive, but not in, like, a diabolical, making-up-a-girlfriend way, because that would just be NUTS!
OK, blah blah, something about sports. Enough with the sports! THE BEYONCE BOWL’S ABOUT TO START! Until then, I’ll be eating my body weight in Chicken Kickers and continuing to be annoyed by these annoying men in shoulder pads, the likes of which haven’t been seen “Designing Women” went off the air. Who keeps delaying this BEYONCE CONCERT? GEAUX, BEYONCE!!! VIVA LA BEYBOWL! U.S.A.!