Will Miley Soy Bomb the Grammys? Will Taylor Swift snub John Mayer? Let’s hope!
Smell that? It’s the bittersweet smell of the universe (and the mysterious committee of covert Grammy voters) sorting the 2013 Grammy Award nominees into two distinctly binary piles: Grammy winners and Grammy losers. Well, Grammy performers, too. That’s three piles. Plus, Grammy winning performers and Grammy losing performers. So, that’s five piles. (I’m so bad at math and sorting.) The point is, tonight is the 2013 Grammys, and, like all Grammys before these, there will be winners, losers, performers, and an interesting crossection of both. The 2013 Grammys also promise to bring together a host of performances that read a little like smashing your iPod directly into dad’s iPod: Bruno Mars and Sting are performing together, Elton John and Ed Sheeran will perform together, and Kelly Clarkson will perform a tribute to Carole King (look her up). The night is young (and old) and full of possibilities. And speaking of possibilities, here are exactly eight things we’d like to see happen at the 2013 Grammys tonight!
1.) Ne-Yo performs with The Lumineers: Ne-Yo, who’s been nominated for 13 Grammys, is nominated for Best Dance Recording for “Let’s Go” (with Calvin Harris), and The Lumineers are nominated for Best New Artist and Best Americana Album. Wouldn’t it be great if The Lumineers, who are set to perform tonight, brought up Ne-Yo for a brand-new collaboration entitled “Ne-Yo Ho Hey”? I’d totally listen.
2.) Taylor Swift, Katy Perry and John Mayer televised awkwardness: Taylor Swift will probably open the Grammys with “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together.” Which means there should TOTALLY be a camera trained on John Mayer, who’s got an album credit on Frank Ocean’s Channel Orange album, which is nominated for Album of the Year. Katy Perry, Grammy nominee and presenter and (current) girlfriend to John Mayer clenches John Mayer’s hand and grits her teeth. Taylor hairflips her way off the stage.
3.) Kelly Clarkson brings out Beyonce during her tribute to Carole King: Kelly Clarkson, who’s nominated for Song of the Year for “Stronger,” brings out Grammy presenter Beyonce for an all-out Celine Dion-style “(You Make Me Feel Like) A Natural Woman” diva-off backed by the cast of Season 5 of “RuPaul’s Drag Race” lip-syncing and doing their best Naomi Campbell walks in the background.
4.) Miley Cyrus Soy Bombs The Black Keys: Miley’s been busy photobombing like EVERY Grammy party (amazing!), so perhaps she could “Liberty Walk” her way up on the Grammys stage and Soy Bomb The Black Keys, who are nominated for five Grammys and are performing tonight, too. But keep it on the low so it feels like a surprise when it happens. (In reality: Dr. John performs with the Black Keys: Everyone born after 1992 simultaneously Googles “who Is Dr. John,” Google crashes.)
5.) Prince joins Bruno Mars and Sting on stage: Prince rushes the stage during Bruno Mars and Sting’s performance of “Locked Out Of Heaven,” releases a cage of doves while Miguel and Frank Ocean sit in an oyster stage right for a total R&B power jam.
6.) Nas FINALLY. WINS. A GRAMMY. Period.
7.) Selena Gomez and Justin Bieber reunite on the Grammys red carpet: Except Justin won’t be at the Grammys. Because he wasn’t nominated. Because life is unfair for him.
8.) Michael Buble and Paul McCartney arm-wrestle for Best Traditional Pop Vocal Album: The Best Traditional Pop Vocal Album typically isn’t broadcast during the Grammys, but a Buble-McCartney arm-wrestling match is a solid argument for changing that.
9.) Kanye West wins ALL SIX GRAMMYS: And Taylor Swift interrupts his speech every time.