I Would Permanently Reside Inside Of Bruno Mars’ ‘Moonshine Jungle Tour’ If That Were Somehow Possible

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Well, hello, Bruno Mars. You know you look even better than the way you did the night before.”

Warning: This post contains sex dragon-obsessed Bruno Mars fan girling.

OK. Take any preconceived notions you may have of Bruno Mars (unless, of course, they’re good ones, in which case you already know all of this). Now light them on fire and  make better decisions, because I saw the first of Bruno Mars’ two “Moonshine Jungle Tour” stops in Brooklyn at the Barclays Center — home to the 2013 MTV VMAs on Sunday, Aug. 25, where Bruno’s nominated for four VMAs — and I realized that basically my whole life I was locked out of heaven until Bruno let me in. And now I’m thoroughly convinced there’s no way that show took place on the haggard, plebeian terra firma we call Earth and not in some holy, glowing celestial star in another galaxy. Or, well, Mars.

Read more about Bruno Mars’ “Moonshine Jungle Tour” Barclays Center performance after the jump.

Bruno and his band opened with “Moonshine,” encored with “Locked Out Of Heaven,” and everything else in between was an unorthodox, orgasmic (literally, I’m pretty sure the woman sitting two seats down from me had some “special moments” — I think her name was Natalie…) frenzied fantasia of the rebirth of Michael Jackson, the resurrection of Motown, and really hot guys in matching suits and way tight pants playing large brass instruments. I see concerts for a living, and Bruno’s was easily, unquestionably the greatest show of my life. I’m not kidding. If you’re an artist, you’re welcome to try to top a Bruno Mars show, but I just don’t see that happening. I’ve tried — I’ve tried HARD — to explain to people how mind- and soul-altering a Bruno Mars show is, but I just stammer and stutter and wave my hands aggressively and then basically collapse into a quivering, dumbstruck, hormonal pile of feelings and mascara. I am born again.

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Bruno Mars: capable of making it rain gold.

If I could LIVE inside of the Jungle Tour, I would. (It’s the year 2013. We’re living in the future. Why can’t we make that happen?) I ended up with gold foil glitter in my bra and in special dark places I didn’t even know foil could go, but it’s all good. I wasn’t even mad. It was just a little piece of Bruno to — get ready because it’s Pun Time! — treasure.