Britney Spears’ ‘Work Bitch’ Will Usher In An Era Of Flawlessness The World Has Never Seen

Listen to Britney Spears' "Work Bitch"!

The Album Eight era has begun! All praise Britney!

Going into this past weekend, our plans were basically 1.) Go to sleep, 2.) Wake up for sandwich, 3.) SLEEEEEP because hey, it wasn’t like Britney Spears was going to release her new single “Work Bitch” until Monday! But, following an unexpected leak on Sunday morning, Brit and company rushed to release the track for real in all of its high-quality glory. What do we think? Well, pardon the excessive vowel usage, but GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL — it is perfect.

Listen to Britney Spears’ “Work Bitch” after the jump.

OK, so we may exaggerate a lot around here with all of our “goddess this” and “flawless that” talk, but believe us when we say, totally straight-faced, that “Work Bitch” will, without a doubt, usher in an era of world peace and global harmony the likes of which humanity has never seen — a Pax Brittanica, if you will. (Based on the early fan reactions, we can’t be that far off.)

For you see, Britney has taken control where we have lost it. In “Work Bitch,” she commands us to see the path to success, so that we may achieve whatever it is we desire. Whether you wish to to drive a Maserati, look hot in a bikini, or just plain live fancy — who doesn’t?? — there is but one step you must take: “You better work, bitch.”

This is a message that every American can get behind, regardless of political affiliation. Like, this is basically the expressively gay version of the “pull yourself up by your bootstraps” mantra, so expect to see a whole lot of ultra right-wing conservatives flooding the security line at Midtown’s famed gay nightclub XL. Or, at least a whole lot more.

Even those on the progressive end of the political spectrum will have something to worship. While the “Work hard! Get rewarded!” message may possibly ignore the endemic institutional and systemic forces that prevent many from achieving the American Dream regardless of how hard they work (*deep breath*), “Work Bitch” can act as a never-ending stream of political rage that’ll fuel the average left-wing gym-goer through even the most grueling hour on the elliptical.

And after all that Brit-motivated cardio, they’ll be sipping martinis, looking hot in bikinis in giant mansions, partying in France with their free-market brethren. COMMON GROUND, Y’ALL! Britney Spears heals all wounds.

Listen to Britney Spears' new song "Work Bitch"

+ Listen to Britney Spears’ “Work Bitch.”

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