This is DEFINITELY not a page right out of our yearbook.
It’s finally here! Mike WiLL Made It has just dropped his much-anticipated “23″ video featuring his “We Can’t Stop” collaborator Miley Cyrus (who somehow managed to squeeze a video shoot into her busy schedule of grinding on knock-off Elmos and posing topless for Rolling Stone), Wiz Khalifa, and Juicy J.
While the super-fun clip totally taps into our teen years nostalgia, we think it’d be a stretch to say that our high school experience was anywhere NEAR as insane as the one depicted in “23″! Twerking cheerleaders? Chem teachers who moonlight as world-famous rappers?? High school bands that don’t suck?! Here are the 23 ways that “23″ differs VASTLY from what we #peasants remember about high school.
1.) AN INCREDIBLY LAX DRESS CODE: Crop tops and booty shorts? We’re pretty sure that your ensemble does NOT reach the end of your finger tips when standing, Miss Cyrus.
2.) SOMEONE COOL BEHIND THE P.A.: We didn’t have some musically talented big man on campus (à la Mike WiLL in the clip) whipping us into a tightly choreographed frenzy. Where do you think we went, the high school from “She’s All That”? (Hay, Usher.)
+ Watch the super unrealistically choreographed prom scene from “She’s All That.”
3.) TWERKING CHEERLEADERS: “We’ve got spirit, yes we do! We’ve got spirit, how ’bout MY ASS.”
Watch Mike WiLL Made It’s “23″ video featuring Miley Cyrus, Wiz Khalifa, and Juicy J after the jump.
4.) ANY CHEERLEADERS, ACTUALLY: Maybe our school’s cheerleaders twerked too hard for the administration’s taste? Anyway, the closest we ever got to a true cheer-ocracy was when we re-enacted the opening scene of “Bring It On”
in the mirror, alone with all of our friends because we were popular and had many of them.
+ Watch the opening scene of “Bring It On,” which you OBVIOUSLY know all the words to.
5.) A CLASS COUPLE LIKE MIKE + MILEY: What, did you have a “Cutest/ Most Ratchet Couple” superlative in your yearbook? …Not that Miley and Mike WiLL are dating, or anything! Can’t a couple o’ friends casually twerk up against each other? THANKS, PURITAN AMERICA. #MICDROP
6.) SMOKING IN THE GIRLS’ ROOM: Because it’s bad for your health, girl! Related: SMOKERZ ARE JOKERZ.
7.) WIZ KHALIFA AS OUR CHEMISTRY TEACHER: Everyone gets an A+, along with whatever is in that beaker.
8.) ALL THAT GRINDING: Remember how teachers would carry around rulers at dances just to make sure that everyone was at least 6-8 inches apart? “Room for the Lord,” and all that.
9.) FLATTERING LIGHTING: Where are all the fluorescent bulbs?! #Realism, people.
10.) ZERO PIMPLES: Our pores are, like, big gaping holes of seething jealousy right now.
11.) HAPHAZARDLY PLACED TROPHIES: Paging fictional high school, ever heard of a trophy case? HA, BURN! Ugh, I’ve gotta stop talking to fictional high schools.
12.) PERMISSION TO GET ON THE BASKETBALL HOOP: Well, technically we never asked… but still!
13.) THIS MUCH CONFIDENCE IN A LOCKER ROOM: Hmmm… we remember a lot more crying and a lot more “WHY IS MY WEIRD BODY DOING THESE WEIRD THINGS”-related shame before gym class…
14.) COED LOCKER ROOMS, PERIOD: Yeah, wait, now THAT’S the thing that our awkward, hormonal teen years were missing: boys and girls sharing the same vulnerable, intimate space!
15.) REASONS TO CHANGE CLOTHES OTHER THAN GYM CLASS: OK, OK, so sometimes we got caught in a ketchup vs. mustard bottle crossfire, but nothing as glamorous as “being Miley.”
16.) GYMNASIUMS THAT DOUBLED AS CONCERT VENUES: Unless you count the gym-atorium, which was known to host such traveling entertainment as “Homer the Homework-Loving Bear Presents: Smoking’s Not Cool Like Recycling, My Good Pals, and Other Such Parables!”
17.) ALL THE CHICAGO BULLS UNIFORMS: When you go to school in Celtics territory, you wear Celtics gear or else. #Fact
18.) OUR OWN PORTABLE STEREO: Yoooo, Sister Helen Eugenia woulda snatched it like THAT!
19.) ALL THAT TONGUE ACTION: Ummmm, have you not picked up on the whole “WE WERE AWKWARD IN HIGH SCHOOL, WAHH” narrative yet??
20.) A SCHOOL BAND THAT WASN’T TERRIBLE: Please don’t make us remember. We would OBVIOUSLY take Mike, Miley, Wiz, and Juicy over this monstrosity ANY DAY.
+ Watch in horror as the worst high school band ever plays on.
21.) THIGH FANNY PACKS: Are we just, like, #old or something? Is that what that silvery leg accessory is? We did NOT have those back in high school. #WhyInMyDay #FifteenMiles #UphillBothWays
22.) ALSO, THAT FOAM FINGER: C’mon, who wouldn’t have loved to have Miley’s now-iconic VMA foam finger handy in high school?
23.) THIS MESS: Our high school had a flawless janitorial staff. FLAWLESS.
Photo credit: Interscope, Getty Images