Mazel tov on your engagement, Kimye! Hope you guys registered for these wedding gifts…
First comes love, then comes the matching outfits, then comes the sickeningly cute couple selfies, then comes baby, then comes the 15-carat diamond engagement ring! Whoops, sorry, that’s a little out of order. But really, would you expect the pop culture
egoists entity that is Kanye West and Kim Kardashian to court each other the traditional way?
Anyway, I’m sure by now you’ve heard that our dearly beloved Kimye are officially engaged [insert heart emojis here]. And how did this momentous occasion go down? Did Kanye post a sexy Instagram of his bare, post-baby bod with the words “PLEASE SAY YES” branded on his butt? (Sorry for that visual.) Close, but no. Instead, Kanye reportedly popped the question last Monday night in San Francisco by renting out AT&T Park and plastering the words “PLEEEASE MARRY MEEE!!!” on the jumbotron. (Did you think he’d settle for the kiss cam? How provincial.)
Anyway, we’re just so excited by this news that obviously the first thing we did was sit down to compile a list of wedding gifts for Kimye. And yes, we remembered the matching leather jogging pants. What do you think we are, amateurs?
1.) The Olsen Twins: Kim, Kanye, Mary-Kate, and Ashley could become a very famous, aloof design powerhouse — just think of all the drapey winter coats they could create together!
2.) Kris Jenner’s Now-Defunct Talk Show: Because we’d watch the s*** of that.
3.) Austin Mahone: He’s cute, he’s talented, and let’s face it, baby North West will love him (in five or so years). Austin’s like a Disney movie — fun for the whole family!
4.) China: They’re a world superpower, and why shouldn’t the super couple have expensive things?
Check out more wedding gifts for Kimye after the jump!
5.) Platinum iPhone 10: This future iPhone model (that we just made up) will help Kimye capture the most flattering post-baby bod sexts. Consider that honeymoon period extended. It’s not even released yet, of course (technicalities), but that only makes it more Kanye-worthy.
6.) Matching Leather Jogging Pants: PSHHH — not for running in! These Gucci drawstrings are specifically designed for laying around and growing old together in.
7.) Jimmy Kimmel: Built-in wedding comedian! And I think he owes you a few more favors, Kanye.
8.) A Honeymoon Fund: Get this baby set up and Kimye can raise money for the best honeymoon money can buy (never mind the fact that they can afford the actual moon). But where to send them? Maybe an Xperience Gifts couples trip to outer space? Or a Sandals resort vacation on the moon? It’s trendy AND extravagant! And nothing’s too extravagant for these newlyweds. Experience gifts are so in [swirls wine] — GET ON THAT, FRIENDS OF KIMYE.
Photo credit: Getty, Gucci, Apple