Perhaps I should've attempted to adjust my TV, but aside from that T.I., M.I.A., Jay-Z, Wayne hip-hop all-stars performance and Coldplay's ongoing Fisher-Price-meets-Sgt. Pepper troop trope (yaaaaaaaawwwwwwnnn... and I DID NOT need to see that much of Chris Martin's treasure trail!) the 2009 Grammys might as well have been broadcast in black and white.
From the Jonas Brothers, to Miley Cyrus and Taylor Swift and even Kid Rock (who usually doesn't leave the house unless it's in something that demonstrates his affinity for a BeDazzler and a pound or two of rhinestones) kept it a funereal black and white, though they all pulled it off with elegant panache. In short, aside from the few mod metallics, and Katy Perry, the 2009 Grammys were all about sobering, somber chic! For real, I thought I was going temporarily colorblind.
Anyway, let's get to it!
Jonas Brothers: True, the Jonas Brothers didn't win the Grammy they were up for, but getting to share a stage with Stevie Wonder was prize enough, IMO. Fashion-wise, their red carpet tuxedo trio was pretty much what you'd expect from the capable hands of stylist Michelle Tomaszewski. My favorite was Nick Jonas' head-to-toe black Burberry suit. Kevin Jonas' Versace suit subtly set him apart as the elder statesmen of the three. Joe's metallic Versace jacket was a little too Vegasy for my tastes, but I always appreciate that he takes fashion risks. Also, BTW, did you see Denise? WOAH, mama, she looked amazing! As for the Jonas Brothers' performance looks: Nick was in Dior, and I LOVED that his look was a little bit Danny Zucko in Grease, less the schmaltz, a little bit James Dean, a tiny bit old-school Faith-era George Michael, and a WHOLE LOT grown up. Honestly, Joe's performance look wasn't doing THAT much for me. Don't get me wrong -- he looked perfect as always, but Nick really stood out so much that he overshadowed Joe, who could've gone a little farther than just the ripped Requel Allegra tee and Dior vest and jeans. By the way, that eye-popping necklace was by Swiss designer Avakian, and while I'm sure it was stunning in person, it distracted on screen (Was it a cassette tape? A jeweled cracker? Bingo card? Billion-dollar iPod? No clue!) and took away from his Mick Jagger swagger. It would've made more sense for Joe to wear a fitted jacket, especially with Kevin all like "Oh hai, I'm just over here nailing this performance and coming out with a 3D movie and a TV show and we're gonna be on Saturday Night Live and everything" in a swish Versace suit. But back to the Jonas Brothers' performance: Not just ANYBODY gets to cover "Superstition," and this performance completely put the Jonas Brothers on the map... for the two people whose maps the Jonas Brothers weren't already on. Seriously though, that performance was icon-status-sealing and could finalize their move out of the teen-pop mold; it showed skeptics that the Jonas Brothers aren't just bubblegum, they can (for the trilllionth time!) play their own instruments, command a stage, and extend their reach beyond a youth-only audience.
Miley Cyrus and Taylor Swift: Miley wore an original Herve Leger by Max Azria dress on the red carpet. Had it been just plain black, it would've been a bit boring, but the bejeweled bodice, criss-cross straps and stacks of bangles kept it fresh, and the massive rosette kept it from being "just another black dress," and though the length was a little overwhelming, the shape was amazingly flattering. Taylor Swift drove home the "we're besties" message in a Kaufman Franco black jersey dress with patent leather detailing. Gotta say: both dresses were way too long. Take a cue from Carrie Underwood and show a little leg while they're still amazing! You can't fault Miley or Taylor for appearing adult while playing the good role model role, but I wouldn't have minded either dress in a more youthful color, like a jewel tone. Also, I can't say I loved either's performance outfit, Miley's especially. Jeans at the Grammys? I know it's not the Oscars, but it's not the CMAs either. (Sorry, CMT!) That top looked like Liza Minnelli's cast-off. Bring back the cute!
Katy Perry: I liked that Katy Perry was strictly business on the red carpet -- her pink dress was by Lebanese designer Basil Soda -- and party on stage, where she chose to wear every color ever in her salute to Carmen Miranda. Her costume was by The Blonds, and her "I Kissed a Girl" performance made me feel like I was trapped inside a pachinko machine. And I kinda liked it.
Jennifer Hudson: Okay, I just need to say it: That white asymmetrical bib on Jennifer Hudon's color-blocked sculptural RM by Roland Mouret Trenet dress made her look like she had an emergency pre-Grammy root canal and forgot to take off the bib. However, I loved her midnight blue shoes. Also, Jennifer Hudson can do whatever she wants because she had the worst year ever and her talent knows know bounds. The black sequined dress she wore during her performance of "You Pulled Me Through" was stellar stuff, and the flamenco-style hair and earrings were really all she needed to complete the portrait-of-the-young-woman-as-a-pure-powerhouse look.
Sara Bareilles: Speaking of pink, Sara Bareilles was totally pretty in pink in her Louisa Beccaria strapless ruffled dress with matching (but not too matchy-matchy!) accents. I wanna write her a love song and thank her for wearing something so sugary sweet.
Audrina Patridge: Audrina usually looks sexy or hot or amazing but "cute" is not usually the first word that comes to mind. But last night, Audrina looked absolutely adorable in teal Tadashi. Her hair and bright lips were also perfection. Yay, color! Finally!
M.I.A.: We get it. You and your boyfriend got bored and decided to act out Juno. But were you hitting the labor drugs early? You do NOT need to dress like a bloated ladybug. Don't get me wrong -- I love House of Holland (who designed her black-and-white performance outfit). I just love Agyness Deyn in it more. And I'm fine with you wearing Golas when you're playing human hotel. But did you really need to go the Dorothy Zbornak route? I'm still not convinced you weren't hiding all FOUR Golden Girls underneath that Manish Arora tarp.
Jordin Sparks: You are SO SO SO cute and SO not an old lady. But that rose-printed Debra Davenport dress was SO not cute and SO old lady!
Carrie Underwood: That performance pantsuit was a little June Carter Cash with those OOC chiffon bell sleeves, but who cares? She's got legs for miles! And was it just me, or did her female guitarist look like Paris Hilton? Speaking of...
Paris Hilton: Yes, Paris. Less is still less. Please send that Versace Spring 2003 mini back to 2003 where it should stay.
LeAnn Rimes: i'm a huge fan of stone embellishments, but LeAnn's cerulean Philosophy di Alberta Ferretti outfit looked like Star Trek Voyager made its maiden voyage to Cyprus. And taupe? Really? You don't wear taupe on a red carpet unless you're going to the pantyhose awards. Or you're Leona Lewis. And speaking of...
Leona Lewis: Leona is such a gorgeous girl, but her tan Randi Rahm gown bleeding bored me.
Duffy: I've read some negatory reactions toward Duffy's Alberta Ferretti jeweled chiffon cocktail dress, but I really loved that she took an ordinary style and made it her own with an asymmetrical cut. It was super glam but subdued and fit her soulful, old-school style perfectly.
Kanye West: Mazel tov! Your transformation into '80s television star Meshach Taylor is now complete!
Estelle: Call us when Kanye's spaceship lands.
++ MORE GRAMMYS PHOTOS AFTER THE JUMP! ++
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