+ For all two people who haven't heard this devastating news, darling dollface David Archuleta's DAD (who is also a MORMON, in case you forgot) was busted for soliciting prostitution at a massage parlor in Utah. <using our spa voices>: P.S. —  Looks like he got a "happy ending" too.  This makes up for anything our parents never got us for Christmas. (MTV News)

+ Guess who's gracing the cover of Elle magazine's July music issue: none other than the always lovely and forever glamorous Gwen Stefani. Va va va VOOM! (Popbytes)

+ Miley Cyrus was out for a little seafood dinner when she gave an impromptu performance, much to the crowd's surprise! They begged for more, but she made her exit after two songs. (E! Online)

+ Jack White hates MySpace and wants you to go to the record store and buy his friggin' vinyl... (The Tripwire)

+ ...which is probably a good idea since MySpace just laid off like 400 people (about 30% of its workforce). YIKES! Think I should cancel that interview I have next week? (All Things Digital)

+ Nick Lachey says he's never heard unlikely singer Susan Boyle actually sing. Hm. Sounds like Nick needs to take a trip on them Interwebs those lazy crazy kids are usin' these days. (US Magazine)

+ So the big moment that everyone is talking about today is from last night's MTV Movie Awards, when Brüno flew down in what looked like a feathered jock strap and nearly sat on Eminem's face. Let's just say Em didn't wait around to see Zac Efron win for Best Male Performance. (MTV Movie Awards)

+ P.S. Megan Fox doesn't really give a s*** what you thought about her hairdo at the Movie Awards. Suck her Tweet! (US Magazine)

+ Golden Popcorn winner and resident it-girl Miley Cyrus just renewed her Hannah Montana contract for a fourth season with Disney. GIrl ain't no fool! Make that money, honey. (Pop Crunch)

+ Joss Stone is willing to pony up millions of dollars to be let go from her recording contract with label EMI. Add her name to the list of bands or musicians who have left the label since 2007, including the Rolling Stones and Radiohead. (NME)

+ Shy crooner Susan Boyle came in second on Britain's Got Talent, then promptly checked herself into the hospital for going a little exhausted from all the media attention. Get better, Susie. (ICYDK)

+ P!nk slammed Kanye West recently for showing up to a Stella McCartney fashion show wearing fur and talking about how he wished designers used more fur (all while the VP of PETA was sitting in earshot). Whups? (Bossip)

Please tell me you've seen the clip of Susan Boyle from Britain's Got Talent (Simon Cowell's other show.) The 47-year-old frizzy-haired, bushy-browed Scottish catwoman stepped out onto the stage and, before she opened her mouth, the audience pretty much assumed she'd be the next William Hung sooner than the next Leona Lewis.

But after stammering out a little stage banter and unselfconsciously swiveling her hips for the judges, the sound that came forth from her lips when she performed "I Dreamed A Dream" from Les Miserables was a cross between Kathleen Battle, Audra McDonald, and a young Maria Callas, sprinkled with a little God. Susan Boyle absolutely and unabashedly OWNED not just that stage but that entire show and all of its slack-jawed viewers.

The "Susan Boyle" episode of Britain's Got Talent (also the season premiere) aired this past Saturday, April 11, and already the YouTube clip of Susan Boyle's performance has been viewed over 5.6 MILLION times. And Simon Cowell is apparently in talks to nab the raw talent a record deal.

Much has already been written about Susan Boyle's unlikely story -- She suffered mild brain damage at birth. She was mercilessly bullied as a child and turned to singing as an escape. Susan Boyle isn't classically trained -- her experience is limited to church and karaoke. Formerly employed as a church charity worker,  she's currently out of a job, lives with her cat Pebbles, and she told Britain's Got Talent that she's never been kissed. She stopped singing after her mother passed away but auditioned for Britain's Got Talent to fulfill a wish to her mother. After her initial appearance, she told British press that she looked "like a garage."

Now, clearly, Susan Boyle is no Susan Sarandon, but close your eyes and TELL me she doesn't sound like Alice Ripley (how badly do you want to hear Susan Boyle sing "Meadowlark"!??), or even Julie Andrews, to whom she's being compared. Broadway producer Cameron Mackintosh said he was gob-smacked by Susan Boyle's performance. And even Demi Moore Tweeted that she was moved by Susan Boyle.

Sure, Susan Boyle is over the hill by mainstream-music standards. (So is anyone over the age of about 22.) But please, I don't care if you're the most jaded, crusty cynic out there and absolutely despite reality TV (not a Hills fan, are you?). Listen to Susan Boyle, and let pop-irony be replaced by amazement, and celebrate what readers of Andrew Sullivan's column in The Atlantic referred to as Susan Boyle's impossible courage and confidence.

Honestly, I don't even care if Susan Boyle wins Britain's Got Talent. Just don't rain on her parade.