MTV Buzzworthy Blog › Leslie Simon

Let me start off by saying that I hate running. I used to say unless there was someone chasing me or a big bag of money across the street, I wasn't moving these gams for no one.

Then I hit 30 -- and my metabolism plummeted. I quickly learned if I didn't want to turn into a big ball of mush, I would need to put aside my problems with jogging and learn how to fly like the wind.

After investing in a supercute outfit, shiny new trainers and fancy pedometer, I turned my attention to the most important part of my cardiovascular mission: making a high-energy playlist. I spent hours testing the BPMs, counterpoint textures and ascending rhythm of chord progressions to make sure I compiled the most high-energy songs possible. Finally, I was equipped with everything I needed to run circles around Carmelita Jeter.

I'd love to tell you that I run 10 miles every day and am currently training for the New York Marathon. Unfortunately, I'd be lying. In the past year, I can count the times I've gone jogging on one hand -- and three fingers, if you want to get technical. I can say that I listen to my running mix all the time, though. It's the greatest soundtrack for bedroom dance parties. (Hell, those have gotta burn some calories, right?)

That's why you should do as I say; not as I do. So, if you're looking to raise your heart rate and log some miles on the concrete, I suggest you load up your music player with songs from CSS, Daft Punk, The Sounds and Shiny Toy Guns.

Finally, learn more about me and all my musings by visiting my website and following me on Twitter (@redpatterndress).

+ Check out my "Running Songs" picks after the jump.

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Tags CSS, Daft Punk, Dave Grohl, Foo Fighters, Shiny Toy Guns, Soundtrack Of My Life, The Sounds

When I was younger, I totally thought I was famous. Actually, I thought my name was famous. See, my dad was a classic-rock fanatic and insisted on turning up the oldies station whenever we were in the car together. From an early age, I learned to appreciate Motown, soul and, of course, The Beatles. While my friends were freaking out over Milli Vanilli, I was rocking out to Big Bopper.

I was especially taken with the song "Groovin'" by The Young Rascals. In addition to having an impressive harmonica solo, I was also stoked because it sounded like frontman Felix Cavaliere was singing about me... Leslie! There's this part in the blissful ditty where he swoons, "Life could be ecstasy/You and me and Leslie." Sure, I was a little confused why Cavaliere would invite a third party on a date with him and his girlfriend, but who was I to judge? I found out years later that he wasn't really singing my name's praises: The lyric actually goes, "Life could be ecstasy/You and me endlessly." What a bummer.

Attention, songwriters: I'm still waiting to be the inspiration for a hit so feel free to throw my name into the musical mix and see what comes out. In case you need help, my name easily rhymes with "folie," "tensely" and "Nestle."

What are some songs that do feature real names in the title? I'm glad you asked. Let's pretend we're members of the American Name Society and check out songs from Amy Winehouse, Kaiser Chiefs, The Shins and Elvis Costello.

Finally, learn more about me and all my musings by visiting my website and following me on Twitter (@redpatterndress).

1.) Amy Winehouse's "Valerie": What better way to celebrate Amy's life than to shine the spotlight on all the amazing music she left behind, and "Valerie" is such a great example of her music's timelessness. While the song was originally recorded by The Zutons, it wasn't until Mark Ronson produced the cover with Amy that the tune really took off. The original is a great track, don't get me wrong, but Amy's soulful voice definitely upgrades the song from rockin' toe-tapper to timeless classic.

Listen to "Valerie"

2.) Kaiser Chief's "Ruby": Unlike U.K. peers Bloc Party and Franz Ferdinand, Kaiser Chiefs never translated well with American audiences. The band had a small-ish hit with "I Predict A Riot," off their 2005 debut album Employment, but that was about it. I really thought things were going to take off for them after hearing "Ruby," which has all the makings of a fantastic power-pop anthem: galloping guitars, lyrics about unrequited love and plenty of "da da da's." Unfortunately, chart-topping success was not meant to be. However, that doesn't stop me from playing this song on a weekly basis.

Listen to "Ruby"

3.) The Shins' "Saint Simon": I'd be lying if I didn't admit that this song initially spoke to me because it boasted my surname, but it still remains one of my all-time favorite tracks because I'm endlessly smitten by its dreaminess and fragility. Frontman James Mercer's voice is delicate enough, but combine that with the dulcet sound of violins and xylophone and you've got a song that should be posted with a label that says, "Handle With Care." Sometimes it's the lightest songs that carry the most weight.

Listen to "Saint Simon"

4.) Elvis Costello's "Alison": Though he's always been mum about the song's muse and surrounding details, Elvis must've been pret-ty gutted to write such an apologetic ode. How else do you explain the heartbreaking lyrics: "I'm not going to get too sentimental/Like those other sticky valentines/'Cause I don't know if you've been loving somebody/I only know it isn't mine." His aim might be true, but his words are distressing. I wonder if we'll ever know the real story behind one of the Greatest Songs Of All Time? Would the real Alison please stand up?

Listen to "Alison"

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Tags Amy Winehouse, Bloc Party, Elvis Costello, Franz Ferdinand, Kaiser Chiefs, Mark Ronson, Soundtrack Of My Life, The Shins, The Zutons

It's hot as balls in New York City. (I can say "hot," right?) It's humid, sticky, muggy and all sorts of other adjectives to describe the kind of heat wave that has me sweating bullets in the time it takes me to walk from my front stoop to the 7-Eleven on the corner, which can't be more than 500 feet away. Oh, and as I write this, it's also currently raining, because it's not enough for my hair to deal with humidity; it's gotta battle moisture, too.

When it's this hot out, there's no point in leaving the comfort of my air-conditioned bedroom -- and if I am forced to leave my air-conditioned bedroom, then there's really no point in putting effort into my appearance because I'm going to look like a wilted piece of lettuce the second I step outside.

All this talk about the heat wave got me thinking about the four elements -- earth, wind, fire and water -- and, more specifically, the songs that these phases of matter have inspired. To get closer to nature, check out songs by Bright Eyes, Jawbreaker, The Carpenters and Tegan And Sara.

Finally, learn more about me and all my musings by visiting my website and following me on Twitter (@redpatterndress).

1.) Bright Eyes' "Four Winds": If I could only listen to one band for the rest of my life, I'd probably choose Bright Eyes -- and/or any of the musical offshoots from prolific frontman Conor Oberst. "Four Winds" is a rambling, old-fashioned, folk-infused protest song, representative of the alt-country twang on 2007's Cassadaga. Conor's voice is mesmerizing, as always, and the song has such a timeless feel, it's hard to believe it's less than five years old.

Listen to "Four Winds"

2.) Jawbreaker's "Fireman": I'll probably lose major cred points by admitting this, but I didn't really get into Jawbreaker until my mid-20s, and the first album I heard was Dear You. I immediately fell in love and thought to myself, "If all their records sound like this, I NEED to get their entire catalog STAT!" Unfortunately, all of their records didn't sound like Dear You, and now they sit gathering dust in my closet. Many critics consider the band's major-label debut a flop, and the LP created so much tension within the band that infighting caused Jawbreaker to call it quits two years later. I still kick myself for never being able to see the band play live, but I still hold on to hope that the guys can bury the hatchet and reunite before I die. Hey, if Axl Rose can finish Chinese Democracy, anything's possible, right?

3.) The Carpenters' "Rainy Days And Mondays": I'm not usually a fan of '70s AM rock, but this lovelorn classic gets me every time. What can I say? I'm a sucker for a good -- yet completely unnecessary -- saxophone solo (i.e. Lady Gaga's "The Edge Of Glory"). Then again, who isn't?

Listen to "Rainy Days And Mondays"

4.) Tegan And Sara's "Soil, Soil": Clocking in at only 1:23 minutes, "Soil, Soil" sounds more like an interlude than a full song, but that's part of what makes it so beautiful. Tegan And Sara's album, The Con, is filled with unrequited love songs, and this one is definitely at the top of the heartbroken heap. Example lyrics include: "All you need to say to me/Is call (call)/And I'll be curled on the floor/Hiding out from it all/And I won't take any other call." For anyone who's ever waited by the phone and wanted to dig a hole and hide until it rang, this song is for you.

Listen to "Soil, Soil"

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Tags Bright Eyes, Jawbreaker, Lady Gaga, Soundtrack Of My Life, Tegan And Sara, The Carpenters

Have you ever become addicted to someone, "Intervention"-style?

Like a minute couldn't go by where you didn't think about them or what they were doing or who they were doing it with? Like you Googled their name a million times to see if you could piece together a virtual scrapbook of their entire life? Like you had to hunt down all of their past loves so you could see if they were prettier/smarter/thinner/funnier than you and then, in turn, compare yourself to them endlessly? Like, your obsession to know anything and everything about them became so out of control that you were a couple camera crews away from Jeff VanVonderen standing on the other side of a hotel conference room door, telling you your loved ones felt like they were losing you and they wanted to get you back?

Yeah, me neither. I can imagine it's a really intense feeling, though. One that definitely needs its own musical score. When stalking, er, researching the object of your affection, might I suggest the following tunes from Blondie, Kylie Minogue, No Doubt and Hall & Oates.

Feel free to lurk me and all my musings by visiting my website and following me on Twitter (@redpatterndress).

1.) Blondie's "One Way Or Another": Is it just me or does Debbie Harry make stalking sexy? I'm sorry but her unwavering confidence and brazen attitude makes me truly believe that whoever it is that she's set her sights on, they will be hers. No doubt about it. Then again, what man wouldn't want to be with Debbie Effing Harry? Now, if only I could listen to this without automatically picturing Piper Perabo lip-synching on the bar in Coyote Ugly. (Facepalm.)

Listen to "One Way Or Another"

2.) Kylie Minogue's "Can't Get You Out Of My Head": I don't know what's more intoxicating: Falling for a hot, new dude or listening to this song about falling for a hot, new dude. If I tallied up all the hours I've spent thinking about my crushes, I'm pretty sure I'd be shocked -- and humiliated -- by the results. The worst is when you've spent SO much time thinking about them, you can't remember which situations actually happened and which ones you played out in the movie theater of your mind. Please tell me I'm not the only one whose had that problem. Anyone? Show of hands?

Listen to "Can't Get You Out Of My Head"

3.) No Doubt's "Spiderwebs": Gwen Stefani turns the tables on the typical infatuation song by obsessing over the guy who's obsessing over her in "Spiderwebs." Homeboy won't leave her alone so she has to "screen her phone calls." Did you hear that? It was the sound of the tiniest violin in the world playing. Seriously, though, I think this song kicks butt -- especially when you're looking for a killer karaoke tune -- but don't expect me to cry a river for Gwen and all the men falling at her feet. Stop bogarting the boys, lady!

Listen to "Spiderwebs"

4.) Hall & Oates' "Private Eyes": I'm not the biggest Hall & Oates fan on the planet, but I can't help but love this fantastic stalker song. In fact, I would go as far as to say this might be one of the best infatuation anthems ever written. It's got all the necessary elements: Lurker lyrics? Check. Toe-tapping melody? Check. Hand claps? Check. (On an unrelated note, I always thought this was the bookend to Rockwell's spooky synth track "Somebody's Watching Me." Play both back-to-back and hear what I mean.)

Listen to "Private Eyes"

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Tags Blondie, Gwen Stefani, Hall And Oates, Kylie-Minogue, No Doubt, Soundtrack Of My Life

I'm not ashamed to admit I'm one of those weirdos who actually likes to clean. OK, I love it. I worship at the altar of my Swiffer WetJet. I get giddy when I buy refills of Mrs. Meyer's all-purpose cleaner. And sometimes I make a mess just so I have something to tidy up.

See, when I put on my cleaning hat*, I also put on my set of dirt-fighting jams to keep me pumped while I scrub and shake my groove thing while I'm pushing the vacuum. So if you're looking for tunes to help you shimmy with your shammy too, might I recommend the following songs from Ida Maria, Hellogoodbye, Two Door Cinema Club and Phoenix.

(* I don't really have a cleaning hat, but that might be worth looking into. Maybe something like this, perhaps?)

Also, if you'd like to keep up with all my musings, please visit my website and follow me on Twitter (@redpatterndress).

1.) Ida Maria's "Let's Leave": I absolutely loved Ida's debut LP, Fortress Round My Heart, and her follow-up, Katla, does not disappoint. I can't say I'm surprised, though, considering that it's produced by pop-rock maestro Butch Walker. When it comes to my favorite song on the album, I'm caught between "Let's Leave," which is a high-octane romp about a roll in the hay, and "I Eat Boys Like You For Breakfast," for obvious reasons. However, for the sake of this cleaning playlist, I have to go with "Let's Leave," which boasts lyrics like "baby, let's stay in" and "going out is overrated." I couldn't have said it better myself -- especially when there's a pile of dishes in the sink.

Listen to "Let's Leave"

2.) Hellogoodbye's "When We First Met": I don't like to do a lot of heavy thinking when I'm cleaning. (That's what yoga's for! Kidding... Sorta.) That's why I don't listen to anything that requires a lot of my attention when I'm focusing on making my apartment sparkle. Take "When We First Met," for example. It's a sweet toe-tapping pop song about how a relationship is charted by a girl's hair growth and various haircuts. In other words, it's the perfect background musical fodder for me to concentrate on capturing all the dust bunnies that keep procreating under my couch.

Listen to "When We First Met"

3.) Two Door Cinema Club's "Something Good Can Work": There's nothing more satisfying than a good hate-clean. You know what I mean: A "hate-clean" happens when when life gets you so pissed that you have to take out your anger on something, anything... So instead of going for a walk and inevitably punching random people in the face, why not take out your aggression on the bathroom grout or that annoying watermelon juice stain on your white rug? I like to turn on this song when I'm about to embark on a good hate-clean sesh, not only because it's easy to keep your magic eraser abrading in time to the beat, but it's such a positive track that your scowl will turn upside down in no time.

Listen to "Something Good Can Work"

4.) Phoenix's "1901": While I completely stand by "1901" being a must-listen for anyone attempting to get their abode in tip-top shape, I feel that I should offer the following caveat: While listening to "1901," you might notice a lull in actual cleaning. I say this because every time I cue up this song and try to sort my clothes for an upcoming trip to the laundry mat, a small head bob eventually evolves into a full-blown bedroom dance party, population: 1. Then, before I know it, I'm sweating and my limbs hurt from being flailed around in every direction. Consider yourself warned.

Listen to "1901"

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Tags Hellogoodbye, Ida Maria, Phoenix, Soundtrack Of My Life, Two Door Cinema Club

Credit: Theo Wargo, WireImage

It's been four months since the former Fall Out Boy frontman released his debut EP, Truant Wave, which was filled with posi-core soul-punk anthems such as "Spotlight (Oh Nostalgia)" and "Big Hype," and we couldn't be happier that the Boy is back with a new song, featuring Lupe Fiasco.

The two collaborated years ago when Patrick Stump produced Fiasco's song "Little Weapon," and it looks like the rapper (and fellow Chicagoan) is returning the favor on "This City." More soul than punk, the song is an ode to their beloved Chi-Town, highlighted by lyrics like: "You can take my picture/You can take my name/But you're never going to take my city away." We wouldn't dare, Patrick.

Looks like you can take the boy out of the Midwest, but you can't take the Midwest out of the boy.

Patrick Stump's debut solo album, Soul Punk, is out later this summer.

+ Listen to Patrick Stump's "This City," featuring Lupe Fiasco.

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Tags Fall Out Boy, Lupe Fiasco, Patrick-Stump

For me, music is a very emotional thing. Sometimes it makes you cry. (Hats off to you, Mumford And Sons.) Other times it makes you want to break s***. (I can't tell you how many times I've blasted The Bronx in my apartment, started a one-person circle pit and accidentally knocked over a ficus.)

Or it can induce a major case of the ha-has. In the last couple weeks, I've put away the weepy ballads and angst anthems in favor of more lighthearted fair. Enough with the tears and shadowboxing. It's time to start LOLing.

I can't seem to get enough "laugh rock" these days, and thankfully I've got Garfunkel And Oates, Bo Burnham, Flight Of The Conchords and The Lonely Island to tickle my funny bone — and a couple other body parts. (Kidding! Sorta.)

Finally, if you'd like to keep up with all my musings, please visit my website and follow me on Twitter (@redpatterndress).

1. Garfunkel And Oates' "Pregnant Women Are Smug": In the past couple of years, it seems like all of my gal pals have either gotten: a.) engaged, b.) married or c.) pregnant. I'm totally happy for their newfound domestic bliss, but the addition of husband and child have definitely changed the dynamics of our bestiehood. This song by Garfunkel And Oates (aka Riki Lindhome and Kake Miccuci) perfectly sums up the sentiment — all with humor and a heaping helping of snark. I first discovered these funny ladies when they opened for Charlyne Yi at the Upright Citizen's Brigade in Los Angeles, and I've been humming their parodies ever since. If you like this tune, I highly recommend you pick up their latest album, All Over Your Face.

Listen to "Pregnant Women Are Smug"

2. Bo Burnham's "Words, Words, Words": Saying that I kinda love puns is like saying Nicki Minaj kinda like wigs, and there's no other comedian musician that masters the art of the double meaning than Bo Burnham. At the tender age of 20, Burnham is already a comedy veteran, having toured around the world, appeared on "Comedy Central Presents" and signed a multi-album deal with Comedy Central Records. Plus, he's not so hard on the eyes, either. What can I say? I'm a sucker for a boy with floppy hair, a razor-sharp wit and the retro know-how to name-drop a character like Helga Pataki from "Hey Arnold!" into his rhymes.

Listen to "Words, Words, Words"

3. Flight Of The Conchords' "The Most Beautiful Girl (In The Room)": All a girl ever wants to hear is that she's the most beautiful girl in the room, especially if it's a crowded room, and especially if it's being said by two hilarious dudes from New Zealand. Enter Bret McKenzie and Jemaine Clement. America first met the duo when "Flight Of The Conchords" debuted on HBO in 2007. The series followed the guys struggling to achieve novelty music stardom on the mean streets of New York City. Featuring appearances by fellow funny people like Kristen Schaal, Eugene Mirman and Aziz Ansari, "Flight Of The Conchords" only ran for two seasons but the band left behind a couple of records containing all of the non-hits from the series. I used to set my alarm to this song every morning, and there's nothing like starting the day with someone serenading you with, "And when you're on the street/Depending on the street/I bet you are definitely in the top three good-looking girls on the street/Depending on the street." It's no coincidence that I try and walk down streets with mostly ugly people.

Listen to "The Most Beautiful Girl (In The Room)"

4. The Lonely Island's "Dreamgirl (Feat. Norah Jones)": When I first saw Norah Jonas on the credits for The Lonely Island's debut album Incredibad, I was skeptical. But then I listened to "Dreamgirl," which is an off-kilter ode to a heavenly lady with a whole lotta problems (i.e. nose like a rhinoceros, skin like asphalt, etc.). It was only when I heard Miss "Don't Know Why" belt out the following lines that I changed my tune: "Last week thought I saw you on the street/Turns out it was a bag of trash/Just a big ol' bag of trash/I thought you looked like a bag of trash." Norah, I'm sorry I ever doubted you. I should've known better. Turns out jazz musicians can be funny, too. I wonder if she took lessons from Josh Groban.

Listen to "Dreamgirl (Feat. Norah Jones)"

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Tags Aziz Ansari, Bo Burnham, Flight Of The Conchords, Garfunkel And Oates, Josh Groban, Mumford And Sons, Norah Jones, Soundtrack Of My Life, The Bronx, The Lonely Island

One listen and you're hooked.

That's how I'd describe what I like to call a "gateway song." You know the type. It's the tune that you form an immediate attachment to and obsession with after only one encounter. It's the one you feel powerless around. The one you can't get out of your head. You want to know more about it. You NEED to know more about it. You will stop at nothing until you're completely dependent upon it and your life will never be the same again.

OK, deep breath. Gateway songs aren't supposed to be scary or debilitating. They won't lead you to the door of Dr. Drew's "Sober House." What they will do is open your mind to a whole new musical existence, and how can that be a bad thing?

So grab a couple bags of Cheetos, turn on the black light and get comfortable because you're about to drop in on the heightened euphoric perception of Dashboard Confessional, The Clash, Whiskeytown and Phish.

Finally, if you'd like to keep up with all my musings, please visit my website and follow me on Twitter (@redpatterndress).

1.) Dashboard Confessional's "The Best Deceptions": After I graduated college, I took an internship at Alternative Press magazine and it wasn't long before I began my real education -- in music, that is. One fall day, while I was editing pages, I came across a frontman who was compared to one of my all-time favorite singers, Elliott Smith. I was immediately intrigued, and when I noticed his group was playing in Cleveland that very weekend, I was sold. The moment I stepped inside the Beachland Ballroom and heard Chris Carrabba belt out the poignant and heartbreaking words of "The Best Deceptions," I was a smitten kitten. From there, I blazed through all the bands on Vagrant Records -- like The Get Up Kids, The Anniversary, Alkaline Trio, etc. -- and then it was on to other like-minded peeps like Promise Ring and Sunny Day Real Estate. What can I say? You're never to old to RSVP to the emo party.

Listen to "The Best Deceptions"

2.) The Clash's "Train In Vain": I'm not sure exactly when I fell in love with The Clash. It was either the first time I heard "Train In Vain" or the first time I set my eyes on the band's iconic album cover for London Calling. There was just something about the band that was exciting, dangerous and utterly invigorating. While my friends were busy rocking out to Bush and Everclear, I would hole myself in my room and listen to "Train In Vain" over and over and over again. Looking back now, I realize that this is one of the "least" punk Clash songs, but I don't care because it made me want to know more about the music and the movement. Plus, without it, I would've never discovered bands like Rancid, The Distillers, Against Me! and more. So anyone who wants to challenge my cred can piss off! (How punk is that?)

Listen to "Train In Vain"

3.) Whiskeytown's "Don't Be Sad": Before Ryan Adams was milling around "New York, New York," the alt-country crooner called Whiskeytown his home. The band was together for six years and put out three amazing albums, including Pneumonia, which was released after the group had already disbanded. On a whim, I picked this LP up at a used record store in my college town and was immediately intoxicated by Adams' heart-wrenching lyrics and twangy instrumentation. From there, I fell down a rabbit-hole of Americana, which was lined with acts like Wilco, The Old 97s and Lucero. Also, if you can find it, you've got to check out Adams' duet with ex-Whiskeytown bandmate Caitlin Carey. The song's called "The Battle" and it'll break your heart in a million pieces.

Listen to "Don't Be Sad"

4.) Phish's "You Enjoy Myself": I'm not ashamed to say that I lost nearly five years of my life to hemp necklaces, patchwork pants, drum circles and 20-minute guitar solos. Yes, for much of my late teens and early 20s, I was a jam band fan. (Please, try to withhold your laughter -- and judgment.) I blame it on my friend Cristen's older brother, Greg, who took me to my first Phish show when I was a junior in high school. At the time, I couldn't understand why people were still wearing tie dye, how they had the energy to spin in circles for two hours straight, and where that funny cigarette smell was coming from? But then I heard "You Enjoy Myself" and everything started to make sense -- everything except what the hell they're singing about. (I mean YOU try and translate "washa uffize drive me to firenze" and I'll name my first-born child Fishman.) Everything after that is a blur of patchouli, parking lots and Maxell XL II tapes filled with bootleg concerts from The Grateful Dead, The Big Wu and moe. (OK, you can officially stop laughing now.)

Listen to "You Enjoy Myself"

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Tags Alkaline Trio, Bush, Chris Carrabba, Dashboard Confessional, Everclear, Lucero, Phish, Promise Ring, Ryan Adams, Soundtrack Of My Life, Sunny Day Real Estate, The Anniversary, The Clash, The Old 97s, the-get-up-kids, Whiskeytown, Wilco

I think someone slipped some Haterade into my vanilla rooibos tea because I'm feeling all sorts of punchy. It's like the smallest thing will piss me off, and I'll launch into a grumbly and sarcastic tirade reminiscent of "Really!?! with Seth & Amy." Plus, I HATE being in a bad mood, which puts me in an even WORSE mood.

It's not pretty, people. Look away.

This unexplained aggression has been the inspiration for my newest column. See, there's a lot of stuff I don't understand in the world -- i.e. how Marilyn Monroe died, what caused someone to create Carhenge or why the heck Kim Kardashian celebrated her engagement by dipping two mini-horses in glitter -- and usually I can accept the unknown. However, when it comes to the following crop of artists, I can stop scratching my head and muttering obscenities under my breath. Why? I'm not sure. Maybe I don't get their art™. Or I'm allergic to their music. Irregardless, I think it deserves further investigation.

So apply your colored contacts, tighten up your Minnie Mouse headband and take out your Zef dictionary because you're about to experience NSFW and SMH majesty of Blood On The Dance Floor, Millionaires, Kreayshawn and Die Antwoord.

Finally, if you'd like to keep up with all my musings, please visit my website and follow me on Twitter (@redpatterndress).

1.) Blood On The Dance Floor's "Ima Monster": I first learned about Blood On The Dance Floor last summer after coming across a story on Gawker about Jessi Slaughter, a then-11-year-old girl (and BOTDF fan) who made these absolutely INSANE (and NSFW) YouTube videos about haters, StickyDrama and something called "brain slushies." Described as an "electro dance screamo," the members of Blood On The Dance Floor -- named Dahvie Vanity and Jayy Von Monrow -- look like disciples of Jeffree Star and sound similar to Brokencyde. They might not sing about "Sandwitches" or boast 152 members, but their WTF attitude and controversial lyrics are reminiscent of shock hip-hoppers like Odd Future. Finally, if you want to watch the Blood fly live, catch them this summer on Warped Tour -- if you can stomach it.

2.) Millionaires' "Alcohol": Millionaires. Hooo boy. Maybe it's their raccoon eyes and raunchy image. Or it could be their Chipmunk voices and potty mouths. Or it could be their songs like "Just Got Paid, Let's Get Laid" and "I Like Money." But... ack. It seems like the buzz surrounding them has settled down over the past year or two, and I'm not upset about it. After all, Millionaires is the musical equivalent of huffing: One listen and you could cause damage to the central nervous system and brain. Just say no, kids.

3.) Kreayshawn's "Gucci Gucci": This week, I got lost in a black hole of Kreayshawn and her crew, the White Girl Mob, and I've yet to find my way out. Everything this O-Town girl does totally captivates me. She's a director! She's a model! She's a rapper! In fact, she just scored a million-dollar deal with Sony. But would you expect anything less from someone who spits rhymes like: "So posh, nails fierce with the gold gloss, which means nobody getting over me/I got the swag and it's pumping out my ovaries." I think not.

4.) Die Antwoord's "Evil Boy": I think I'm still recovering from the first time I saw Die Antwoord's video for "Evil Boy." That clip should come with some kind of warning, like: "This video contains a guy with a claw for a hand and an albino-looking girl wearing a coat made of white rats. Oh, and don't forget about all those boners being waved around like the American flag. No matter how hard you try, you won't be able to erase these images from your brain so watch at your own risk." Someone please call my therapist. I think I need to schedule an emergency session.

Tags Blood On The Dance Floor, Brokencyde, Die Antwoord, Jeffree Star, Kim Kardashian, Kreayshawn, Millionaires, Odd Future, Soundtrack Of My Life

With the smell of prom still lingering in the air, I got to thinking about my own high-school dance experiences. Truth be told, my prom sucked but I had a couple deece homecomings. However, unlike most of my gal pals who relished the whole pre-dance tradition of shopping for a dress, getting your hair did, drinking alcohol-free Zima in a Hampton Inn hotel room, I wasn't interested in anything other than the night's soundtrack.

If your high school was anything like mine, then you probably had the same DJ at every dance, and he insisted on only playing songs from the Billboard Top 40 -- and that was totally fine with me because, at the time, I lived and breathed pop music. (I can't tell you how many hours I spent glued to my dual cassette boom box, recording songs off the radio to make my monthly mixes. Ah, the good ol' days.)

In 1994, I was 15, and I remember being completely excited -- and petrified -- when the DJ would roll out a slow song. Would my crush ask me to dance? Would he put his arms on my neck or around my waist? Would he try to touch my butt? These were BIG questions in the life of a high-school sophomore, and the answers would eventually unfold while some of the sappiest (and age-inappropriate) ballads played in the background. (Yes. Waist. Sort of.)

Grab your Binaca pocket spray, perform a pit smell-check and make sure there's a balloon-size space between you and the music of R. Kelly, Boyz II Men, All-4-One and Jodeci.

Finally, if you'd like to keep up with all my musings, please visit my website and follow me on Twitter (@redpatterndress).

1.) R. Kelly's "Bump N' Grind (Remix)": I didn't care too much for R. Kelly's album version of this song, but the remix was my slow-song jam. My friends and I wouldn't so much dance to this song as we'd find a male partner, lean on them and sway around for three and a half minutes. (Very romantic, don't you think?) At the time, I'm sure I thought R. Kelly was sweetly singing about wanting to take a trip to over-the-clothes Dry Humpville; taking a look at the lyrics 15 years later, I'm not so sure. Example: "So show me some ID before I get knee-deep into you." Not only is that the most uncomfortable sentiment ever, but if it wasn't a prediction of the R&B crooner's future legal trouble with underage girls, I don't know what was.

Listen to "Bump N' Grind (Remix)"

2.) Boyz II Men's "I'll Make Love To You": Again, another song that was completely inappropriate to play at a high-school soiree but one that always brought hormone-fueled bodies to dance floor. (Sidenote: Boyz II Men was the third concert I ever saw and when they played this song, the Boyz... er, Men would traipse around the stage in their oversize suits and hand out red roses to the girls in the audience. Swoon.) These days, the only time I hear this song is when I'm in the grocery store. I'm not sure why, but the opening chords still give me butterflies. Maybe it's because I think Dan Netzer is going to creep out from around the cereal aisle and FINALLY ask me to dance. A girl can dream, can't she?

Listen to "I'll Make Love To You"

3.) All-4-One's "I Swear": All-4-One might've been one of the fugliest groups I've ever seen, but they sure knew how to sing a corny love song. Sure, it wasn't an original -- country artist John Michael Montgomery first made the ballad a hit only a couple months earlier -- but it was new to anyone who didn't watch CMT on a regular basis, which was everyone I knew except my friend Cristen, who had recently discovered Garth Brooks and insisted on playing "Calling Baton Rouge" on repeat every morning on the drive to school.

Listen to "I Swear"

4.) Jodeci's "Feenin": Nothing gets the blood pumping like hearing JoJo and K-Ci's falsetto wails bounce off the moist walls of a packed gymnasium. According to Urban Dictionary, "feenin" is defined as "craving for intensely, mostly for a person" and, hell, isn't that what high school's all about? Feenin, stalking. Tomato, tomahto. Oh, Jodeci. You could always express what my teenage heart could not.

Listen to "Feenin"

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Tags All-4-One, boyz-ii-men, Jodeci, R.-Kelly, Soundtrack Of My Life