If Russell Brand was the 2008 VMAs’ balls-to-the-wall loco court jester, the Jonas Brothers were the show’s handsome princes -- but really, when are they not?
In stark contrast to Russell, Nick, Joe and Kevin proved that there are curly haired, skinny-jeans-wearing males out there who can entertain millions without joking 'bout their junk. Though as much as I <3 me some JB, I also <3 me some freedom of speech. Jonases are a quintessential American band, and you know what’s also quintessentially American? The First Amendment! WOO! Russell’s jokes were just that -– jokes. No one died! But that’s another time, another post, possibly another blog.
Okay, so back to the Jonas Brothers.
In case you missed the show (Jonas Brothers? Tokio Hotel? Christopher Mintz-Plasse and Britney Spears in one night? How COULD you?), here’s a play-by-play account of the Jonas Brothers at their very first VMAs.
+ JBs walk the red carpet and fash it up and stuff with Fonzworth. Joe's in Dolce & Gabbana, Kevin's in new Dior and David Yurman, and Nick's in YSL.
+ Fonzworth kvells, the boys flip the PR script -- Joe applauds The Fonz's new single, and Kevin calls out Fonzie's umbrella line. WELL PLAYED, Jonases!
+ The Jonas Brothers reach the highly anticipated TAYLOR SWIFT station of the red carpet. Does anyone else find it awkward that it isn't really that awkward? Is anyone else doing a quick mental sketch of how gorgeous Joe and Taylor's babies would be, or was I just being a yenta?
+ The VMAS officially begin, and Russell opens the show with the first of several Jonas cracks. Jonas deflect with their awe-inspiring silent charm. Later, Jordin Sparks is all RAWR! HOW DARE YOU!!!?!?!?!?!? (And well played, Jordin! You're in the press for DAYS longer than if you'd just read the prompter like you were supposed to!)
+ Per their request, Taylor Swift INTRODUCES the Jonas Brothers' performance. INTERESTING… Anyway, after HOURS of practicing for their live performance of "Lovebug," the Jonas Brothers (and their fans!) employ major movie magic with some triple trickery: you THOUGHT that cab was real, right? WRONG! You THOUGHT “Lovebug” was gonna be all chilled-out and “Kumbayah" in J. Lindeberg. WRONG AGAIN, SUCKAHS, because it was practically The Rolling Stones at Altamont (minus the murder).
+ Lil Wayne looks like the fourth Jonas Brother. Weird.
+ T.I. and hot-cop Rihanna (would I achieve abs like get if I joined the police force?) team up on “Live Your Life.” The cameras swoop through the crowd, and who’s bumping along, besides Chris "We're Totally Not Dating" Brown? Joe Jonas and Taylor Swift!
+ It was an awards show, remember? The two Moonmen that Jonas were up for went home with Britney Spears, but come on! She had a hard time, y’all. And speaking of going home, the Jonas Brothers didn’t head out before a meet-and-greet with the once-wack-but-now-she’s-back pop princess herself. Joe’s very first album was Britney, but you knew that.
+ Jonases meet Danity Kane. Okay!
+ The show’s over, the Jonases aren't mad at Russell and offer to hug it out, Britney drives off in a golf cart, and they fly off to London for the U.K. premiere of Camp Rock –- not only is it later in England, but they get Jonas movies later than we do too. Sucks for them! (Just kidding! Love you, Topshop!)
Good night Joe! G'night Kevin! Nighty night, Nick! Sleep tight, Britney! Come back soon! We miss you already!