Lourdes just over a year old when Madonna went to the 1995 MTV VMAs, yet already Madonna had the stern scolding thing down to art. And that matronly voice of authority would come in handy at the VMAs that night, when she had to lay the smack down on (a possibly not-so-sober, if I may be so suggestive) Courtney Love, who completely and totally hijacked her VMA red carpet interview with Kurt Loder.

Watch this vintage VMA video -- it's long, but it's a great from the crate, and it's totally worth it to revel in Madonna and Courtney's bitter exchange, which ends in Madonna killing a dangerously bottomless Courtney with kindness. (Albeit that rare Madonna brand of bitchy kindness.) And to watch Courtney throw a powder compact into the interview pit. And to watch Courtney Love and Madonna's fashion turf war. And to watch Courtney Love's SUPER awkward exchange with Tabitha Soren. And to watch Courtney Love ramble on and on about Michael Stipe, ambulance drivers, astrophysics, and Birkenstocks. And to watch Courtney slither and writhe around on the ground. There's even a weird exchange about Alanis Morisette. Every time I watch it, I discover a new gem, though my favorite is "Courtney Love is in dire need of attention right now." And Madonna's inability to decide upon mock-British accent or Jersey Girl. (So she goes with both.)

Taste the faux sincerity. Enjoy the crazy.

+ Don't miss the 2009 VMAs live from Radio City Music Hall in New York City on Sunday, September 13 at 9pm!

It was either the French, the Afghans, Mario Puzo, or the Quentin Tarantino who said "Revenge is a dish best served cold." Were they right? Who knows? Everything I needed to know I learned from pop culture and music videos, which have taught me that when it comes to getting even, nothing beats the ass-kicking, window-smashing, good old-fashioned REVENGE video. (And leaving a horse head in someone's bed.)

Check out 10 classic videos where artists get mad, get even and get revenge by trashing their ex's place, taping themselves in naughty situations (right, Justin Timberlake?), putting the hurt on someone else's credit cards, or howling like a she-wolf in the middle of the desert like your name was Alanis Morissette. (Exactly like that, actually.)

PUBLIC DISPLAY OF REJECTION

Alanis Morissette -- "You Oughta Know"
Nothing says "woman scorned" like the wrath of Alanis Morissette and all. that. hair. Her 1995 video, "You Oughta Know," quickly became a b+tchfest manifesto for the maligned and scorned the world over. Thinking of getting "exploratory" in a movie theater? Um, yeah. Don't. Also, learning corner: Flea and Dave Navarro played on the original recording!
+ Watch "You Oughta Know"

BREAK STUFF!

Carrie Underwood -- "Before He Cheats"
If you cheat on Carrie Underwood, you've got an even bigger problem than the major hike in car insurance you're about to experience once you discover she's beat the LIVING S+++ out of your truck. In her 2006 "Before He Cheats" video, Carrie Underwood not only takes aim with a baseball bat, but she also BLOWS THINGS UP WITH HER MIND, bringing new meaning to "smash hit." Ever see Carrie the movie? Coincidence? I think not.
+ Watch "Before He Cheats"

Lily Allen -- "Smile"
Crafty Lily Allen recruits a band of local thugs and no-goodniks to mug her ex -- played by EastEnders' Elliott Jordan -- wreck his place, smash his records, and stuff his shirts in the toilet in her 2006 video, "Smile." Also he gets mugged and a horbs case of the Hershey squirts after Lily spikes his coffee with Ex-Lax. Smooth moves all around!
+ Watch "Smile"

AYO TECHNOLOGY

Justin Timberlake -- "Cry Me A River"
What happens when you cheat on Justin Timberlake? Nothing creepy or anything. Duder just pulls up to your driveway with Timbaland in the car, sneaks into your house when you leave, films himself banging an INCREDIBLY HOT CHICK, and leaves the evidence rolling and ready for you to watch when you step out of the shower. No big deal. (It's extra creepy if you happen to look like Britney Spears. ALSO: Fun fact -- the girl who plays Britney in the video is Lauren Hastings, who dated Shia LaBeouf. She also claimed that Lindsay Lohan stole an $11,000 coat from her.)
+ Watch "Cry Me A River"

Backstreet Boys -- "The Call"
Now pay attention because the Backstreet Boys' 2002 video for "The Call" may confuse people less intelligent than me. In the "The Call" video, one if not ALL of the BSBs are progressively cheating on their girlfriend/s, who MAY or may not have SET UP the guy/s to cheat on them in the first place. Total BSB sting operation! With a girl who may or may not be a transvestite. (Note: that's speculation on my part, but she kinda does look like a drag queen. Which is FINE if she were a tranners, but it'd take the video in a totally different direction.) Anyway, they're all cheating, or it's symbolic cheating or whatever, and the old-school 2002 cell phone (hence the phone sound effects!) becomes THE VESSEL through which the cheating travels. Symbolic BSB girlfriend however PWONES and sets up the whole operation to completely fail, thus flipping the script and using the cell phone and "the call that changed my destiny" as the vehicles that drive the whole sordid affair into the ground. Technology wins, cheaters lose! (Not-so-fun-fact: In 2003, AJ McLean revealed to Oprah that he first tried cocaine the night the "The Call" video was shot.)
+ Watch "The Call"

MURDER WAS THE CASE

Kanye West -- "Flashing Lights"
Spike Jonze directed Kanye West's 2008 "Flashing Lights" video, which is his most dramatic and definitely his most gruesome to date. While the song and lyrics are haunting, they completely belie the video's drastic measures: Playboy model Rita G shoves Kanye in a car, duct tapes his mouth shut (ahem!), and beats the life out of him with a shovel. All for the leaving the toilet seat up!
+ Watch "Flashing Lights"

+ Ashley Tisdale, Aerosmith, and credit card revenge after the jump!

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Throaty Australian-born belter Gabriella Cilmi grew up on a steady diet of bold, personality-driven classic rock. She names Janis Joplin, Led Zeppelin and T.Rex as her influences. When you hear the wallop of her voice -- and I do mean a literal fist-in-the-gut wallop -- and witness the leggy, theatrical electricity of her performance, those names start to make a lot of sense. Others that come to mind are Amy Winehouse, Alanis Morissette and Macy Gray.

Cilmi's explosive, disco-ready second MTV single, "Save The Lies," already owns in her native Australia. It's also made the rounds in Europe, where it has also just completely dominated. Why is it that we get this legit talent last?!? Regardless, when you watch the swagger-soaked video, you'll agree that Gabriella Cilmi was well worth the wait.

Finally, speaking of "worth," Cilmi's got that in droves, too. This past Saturday she joined Jack Johnson, Kings Of Leon, Wolfmother and many others in playing "Sound Relief," a monster concert whose proceeds all go to a relief fund for victims of a raging Australian wildfire that's already claimed more than 200 lives. Watch the video for "Save The Lies" below and visit the Australian Red Cross to see how you can contribute to their efforts.

I don't wanna shatter any illusions here, but if you're looking to a professional blogger for advice on anything romantic, you have some serious thinking to do. That's why I'm handing this Valentine's Day post off to a pro. John Vesely, aka Secondhand Serenade has more magnetism in one frosted tip than the whole rest of the Internet combined. Can the Internet play piano and sing with its eyes closed? No. It doesn't even have feelings (or eyes). All it can do is make a heart out of a bracket and a three. Weak. John Vesely was born to tell you he loves you. Stick with him. Here's a special Valentine's Day message and a crazy romantic love-playlist from the man himself:

I've always been a lover, not a fighter which is why I love this time of year. And one of my true loves is obviously music. So to come up with a list of long songs/videos is no problem for a guy like me. It's the time of year where you hear songs you may have heard 100 times before, but you suddenly realize they have a special meaning or remind you of someone close to your heart. So hopefully you can take a look at the videos I decided to go with, and let it remind you of whoever may be that certain someone for you.

+ Jason Mraz, "I'm Yours" - A simple song and a simple video. Both are undeniable.
+ The Fray, "You Found Me" - The video showcases both a great band and a beautiful city.
+ Thriving Ivory, "Angels on the Moon" - These guys are good friends of mine. They went all out on this video.
+ Plain White T’s, "Hey There Deliah" - One of the biggest songs and best videos of a few years back.
+ Katy Perry, "Thinking of You" - I love her retro style, which is overly evident in this video.
+ Kanye West, "Love Lockdown" - Kanye is always evolving and this is a colorful, left-of-center display of his art.
+ Justin Nozuka, "After Tonight" - He's a great new young talent, which is clear as day in this, his first video.
+ R. Kelly, "Real Talk" - Because the video is just as real as the song.
+ We The Kings, "Secret Valentine" - Travis's hair turns me on.
+ Augustana, "Sweet and Low" - I love how the song was written it was written very personally.

Wow ... Thanks, John!!

Want more Valentine's Day playlists? OK. I got those, too. Do you love me yet? Please...?

+ V-Day Playlist: Let Me Count The Ways (Dashboard, Bright Eyes, Beyonce, etc)
+ V-Day Playlist: Love SUCKS (Alanis, Ashanti, Incubus, etc)
+ V-Day Playlist: Celebrity Wedding Songs (Lonestar, Marvin Gaye, Edwin McCain, etc)

<3<3<3

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Here, read this Gchat I had with my buddy in L.A. the other day:

Buddy: Hey- I saw this band last night called HAIM. They are unsigned and AMAZING. Three sisters ages 16, 19 and 21.

Me: :-/ ... like Corey Haim?

Buddy: No! Pronounced like "Hi-Eem." These girls are unbelievable. They have these amazing deep voices. And they're totally hot but they rock out with super ugly faces! And, I mean, one is 16! So good!

Obviously my curiosity was piqued, right? I mean, wouldn't yours be? So I dig the gals up on MySpace and listen to a couple tracks... And yeah, I can hear the rock twisting their baby faces. They've got so much attitude! You can practically see their necks doing that "Nuh uh,  girl" side to side thing when you listen. As for the actual music, they sound kinda like... Fiona Apple and Alanis Morissette joined 4 Non Blondes or Hole? Is that too obscure? Like Brandi Carlile (I effing LOVE her! -- Tamar) became a really big fan of P!nk and Aerosmith! Does that make sense? Hey, how about you just take a listen to HAIM on your own and let me know what you think?! Cool?

In a bizarre attempt to "Christmas things up," Bush International Airport is installing karaoke booths for frazzled travelers to "enjoy" en route to their dysfunctional family reunions this holiday season.

At first we thought, file this under WORST IDEA EVER, after nuclear warfare and that Alli drug that makes you poo your pants 19 times a day.

But the more we thought about it, the more we realized that this was a gift of an opportunity for us all. An early Chrismakkuh pressie if you will. A chance to help out our fellow travelers ... with a list of the five worst karaoke songs in the history of the universe that you really, truly, for SERIOUSLY should avoid at all costs..

5. "Don't Worry, Be Happy" by Bobby McFerrin: P.E.O.P.L.E. The title of this song also serves as all the friggin' lyrics. Have you noticed that? And do you know how stupid you'll look up there attempting to perform vocal percussion? Very. Very. Stupid.

4. "I Will Survive" by Gloria Gaynor: Okay, we get it. You broke up with your BF (or BFF) and emerged from the ordeal shaken, not stirred. Overcame some great adversity? Aced your SATs? Bravo, really. But whatever your she-power achievement might be, you need to honor it with something WAY better and WAY more original than this one. How about: anything by Alanis Morissette instead? Or -- better yet -- NOTHING by Alanis Morissette!

3. "I Touch Myself" by The Divinyls: This one is kinda sad, really and almost exclusively within the domain of scantily clad house bunnies who've likely had one too many crantinis. A good rule of thumb is: if you are thinking of "singing" this song, don't. Ever. K?

2. "I Will Always Love You" by Whitney Houston: This song should be outlawed at this point. Hells, Whitney herself can barely get this one out anymore. No matter HOW talented you think you are, trust us; unless you are Dolly Parton, you are not equipped. Just take a deep breath, put down the crack pipe, and remind yourself: Hell to the no.

1. "Bohemian Rhapsody" by Queen: For one thing, this song is WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY too long. Like, you will miss your flight while you're up there singing. Next, it requires an intricate range of vocal calisthenics which -- guaranteed -- you do not possess. Also, it was funny in Wayne's World, but not funny in real life, because you're not Mike Myers and it's not 1992. And finally, people will either be asleep, passed out, or homicidal by the time you finish. Don't do it to yourself. Don't do it to us. No means no.

+ Bonus: "Crank That" by Soulja Boy Tell 'Em: On this front we will be brief: "Supaman dat ho" is not a directive we would ever like to encourage anyone to repeat in public. Yes, we know this song was nominated for a Grammy, NO that does not change our opinion.

+ Have you heard? Amy Winehouse's "most loyal friends" are extremely worried about the singer's "crumbling state of mind!" So they've decided to protect her in the way only best friends can...by selling her out to the British tabloids faster than you can say "Cha-ching!" (The Sun - UK)

+ Kanye West will not face felony charges over the bizarre LAX pap attack. (NY Times)

+ Boo! Junior Senior broke up! I'm never gonna dance again! (MySpace)

+ The still-sexy (if you're into much older guys) Bruce Springsteen is giving you a reason NOT to change the channel during the Super Bowl halftime show. (Rolling Stone)

+ Actress and sometimes-musician Scarlett Johansson gets hitched to Alanis Morissette's ex, Ryan Reynolds. "You Oughta Know" what's coming next. (Scandalist)

+ Madonna was fined nearly $300K for allowing her concert to run 40 minutes long. Hey, maybe we should start calling her the "Too Much Material" Girl? Get it??? Sigh. (NME)

+ For those of you who (still) don't know, G's to Gents host Fonzworth Bentley is takin' it to the streets. (Hypetrak)

+ Country singer Kenny Chesney to expand "the Chesney brand" by making his name synonymous with booze. (The Boot)

+ Maino explains the reasoning behind his album's prognostic title, Maino Is the Future. "That title fits right now. Me being the only new New York rapper that's being noticed nationally — it's only right." Don't believe him? "Hi, Hater!" (MTV)