Let's get a few things out of the way real quick: if I said I was overly familiar with Aussie electro-funk artist Sam Sparro before last night's episode of Dancing With the Stars, I'd be lying. Second, my mama didn't raise no liar. Third thing: Yes, I realize I'm expressly uncool for watching DWTS or using abbreviations thereof. Addendum/ fourth thing: I don't care, and I already came out of the closet with my love for Dancing With the Stars last week, so let's move on.

Sam Sparro's "Black and Gold" video -- off his self-titled album (yes, it's been out in the States since June 2008 and abroad since Spring) makes me want to rent the glassed-in penthouse of The Hotel on Rivington, climb into a hot tub filled with real pearls and Veuve Cliquot with Sam Sparro, Gabe Saporta (Sam Sparro + Gabe = possibly separated a birth? Mmm... Gabe Saporta), Mark Ronson, and Robin Thicke... and watch Dancing With the Stars until one of us passes out from heat stroke.

Lance Bass,

I will be honest. Until recently Dancing With the Stars was nothing more to me than another reality show where sports stars I wouldn't otherwise be able to identify went to breathe one last breath into their dying careers.

But with the inimitable Cloris Leachman, Kim Kardashian's rear, and, of course, you, Lance Bass, starring on this season's show, I knew I had to give it a shot.

And Lance Bass, after your performance last night, Tom Bergeron read my mind when he said why couldn't that have lasted longer? Lance, you and your rock-n-foxtrottin' partner -- Kat Von D in character shoes! -- quick-stepped to one of my favorite Cure songs, "Close To Me," (and they said it couldn't be done!), employing steps like "the gingerbread man," "Transformer," and, endearingly, "the prairie dog," and directives like "pee like a dog on a hydrant" and ended it with a devil-may-care kiss!

And I. Was. Hooked.

Tonight I'll be watching the third of this week's three (!!!) episodes without a shred of irony (alright, it's helped that I've been sick all week too), and I can honestly say I can't wait.

Godspeed you, Lance Bass. May you and Lacey Schwimmer rack up more points than David Hasselhoff on a breathalyzer.

And Clay Aiken, may you bloom and grow into a man as fine as Lance. And someday, if you ever do Dancing With the Stars -- excuse me, DWTS -- I'll be voting for you like your last name was Obama.

xoxo,
Tamar

+ PS: JONAS BROTHERS ARE ON DANCING WITH THE STARS TONIGHT!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!