Wow, R. Kelly. To invoke a joke from 2005, why can't I quit you? Maybe it's because, despite everything (and I think we all know what that means), you keep coming up with modern art masterpieces like this... this... this ode to reproduction, "Pregnant."

So many bon mots here, it's hard to choose. Kells compares his taste in women to his taste in tequila, meets a girl with an "unbelievable booty" and decides he wants to move with her to a picket-fenced suburb with a dog. There's also a lot of talk about getting said lady pregnant, but I figured you could infer that from the song title. At this point in his career, R. Kelly isn't playing games. He just wants to go Cody Chesnutt on you.

BTW -- and this is also disturbing --  Tyrese, who has a verse of his own on the song, seems to be talking to the exact same girl (though I could be wrong). Either way, bravo, Kells. You have done it again.

+ Listen to R. Kelly's "Pregnant," featuring Tyrese, here.

Earlier this year, R&B crooning sensation Trey Songz did a remix of Jay-Z's "D.O.A." which, among other things, posited the idea that Trey Songz was just trying to be the best Trey Songz he could be, not some kind of R. Kelly re-tread (in case you thought he was). Trey Songzalso took some shots at R. Kelly, saying that he was too old to be using AutoTune. (The feud was basically like The Hills with more singing.)

Funny thing is, while Songz is hardly a re-tread of R. Kelly, he does share some qualities with he who was trapped in the closet, especially on two of the singles from his '09 platter, Ready.

On "LOL :)" (yes, that's WITH a smileyface emoticon) and "I Invented Sex," Songz comes with an irrefutably catchy melody ("LOL :))"and wanton sexual arrogance ("I Invented..."), respectively; two staples of the R. Kelly repertoire. Personally I like "LOL :)" (which you can jam to your heart's content here) the more because a) Soulja Boy and Gucci Mane are on it b) it's incredibly playful, as any song about texting should be and c) IT'S CALLED LOL SMILEY FACE.

Not that there's anything particularly wrong with "I Invented Sex," which you can watch in all its NSFW/ walked-in-on-someone's-sex-tape glory below, as well as an MTV News Trey Songz interview about the "concept" surrounding the video.

NOT TOO SOON! Hey, the balloon boy story that had the nation -- and Twitter -- captivated for hours yesterday had a happy, albeit bizzare, ending. Which means... IT'S TOTALLY TIME TO MAKE FUN OF IT! Plus, Falcon puked not once but TWICE on TV! Amazing! Someone get this kid some Gatorade. And get me this balloon boy t-shirt, okay?

Or this hide-and-seek all-time champion shirt.

Also, here are some songs you could play the next time you fake-steal your dad's UFO thing. Which reminds me, I SO need to make sure mine's securely held down with bricks so we don't have an incident.

Phil Collins' "In The Air Tonight"

Jordin Sparks & Chris Brown, "No Air"

R. Kelly, "I Believe I Can Fly"

I know that Tom Kaulitz's black cornrow braids aren't exactly new news -- he's been rockin' the 'rows since early 2009, right? (And if not, Tokio Hotel fans, I KNOW you'll correct me quicker than you can say "Trümper." Which is why I love you...)

... But back to Tom Kaulitz's hair. In Tokio Hotel's promo photo for their new single, "Automatic," Tom's cornrows are seriously... SERIOUS... They're black like BOLDFACE black, and I can only wonder if Tom's been getting hair help from R. Kelly. Why? BECAUSE HIS HAIR LOOKS EXACTLY LIKE R. KELLY'S! (Except Tom's hair is more awesome because it grew out of Tom's head. I mean, obviously.)

+ Wanna braid Tom Kaulitz's hair? Watch Mario's video, "Braid My Hair," and see how that works. And tell me what you think of all of Tokio Hotel's new looks!

Ohmigod. "Shoes." Are you ready for the weirdest irresistible single so far this year?

Tiga's matter-of-fact acid-house heater "Shoes" is one of those singles that comes along once every 10 years or so, and totally redefines what can be called pop music. It's a techno Talking Heads' "Once In A Lifetime." A catchier, more casual update of L.A. Style's "James Brown is Dead," mixed with Tiga sound-alike Madonna's unabashed materialism.

Instead of the usual thoughtful, melody-driven verse-chorus-verse, "Shoes" is a mindless conversation set to dance beats. "I like that sound," it drones robotically, "I love that sound. What's that sound? It's the sound of my shoes."

The brain-child of Juno Award-winning Montreal DJ, James Sontag, "Shoes" is the second single from April release Ciao. Produced by infamous Belgian remixers Soulwax, the single lands just in time to join New Boyz jam, "Jerk," in leading the charge toward a new level of minimalism and R.Kelly-style candor.

Listen to "Shoes" in headphones to keep your blown mind from dripping out of your ears.

You say you want passion? I think you found it.

Mmm, that's right. Remember what Andy Samberg and Justin Timberlake did for Valentine's and Mother's Day? Remember what The Onion's Smoove B did for journalism? Well young rhymer Jeremih is about to do the same nasty thing, all up in yo birthday plans.

But hold up. Before you let this Chicago-born urban-pop pimp steam up your balloons, it's probably a good idea to get to know him a little bit. It's a responsible choice -- something Jeremih is real familiar with making. See, before he was perving out your special day, Jeremih was racing through high school -- graduating at 16 -- so that he could enroll in engineering school. But, successful as he was, the man had to sing, so he switched over to music business and started making tracks in his free time.

On his debut single, "Birthday Sex" (which makes Day26's "Imma Put It On Her" sound downright vanilla), Jeremih details an unforgettably raunchy present (for a girl with "kisses sweet as Hershey's"), leaving only one question to be answered: "Just tell me how you want your gift, girl." Somewhere, R.Kelly is proud.

+ Watch Jeremih's "Birthday Sex" video right here.

As Kid Cudi will readily tell you, he is not an athlete. Apparently Kanye and co warm up for every studio session with a game of basketball. Cudi always sheepishly declines. But that doesn't mean that the artsy rhymer who once aspired to be a cartoonist wouldn't go to great lengths for a prime pair of Jordans.

In the latest installment of "The 5," Kid Cudi tells the story of how 7th-grade Jordan-lust may very well have launched his musical career. He also confesses to a deep admiration for the last band you'd ever expect him to love. Here's a clue: they're the duo responsible for the greatest and best song in the world.

Watch "The 5" below for details and keep an eye out for the dude who first became the Man On The Moon by strapping on a pair of shoes that made him jump really high.

And after the jump, watch R. Kelly's "I Believe I Can Fly" video for a little old-school inspo.

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You'd like to think you know everything there is to know about The Lonely Island -- the three-dude braintrust behind Saturday Night Live's Digital Shorts/ your favorite viral videos like "I'm On A Boat," the jeans-soilingly hilarious "J--z In My Pants," and the ode to the surprise-inside tradition of gift-wrapping your junk that is "D--k In A Box" -- and their debut comedy album, Incredibad. But just because you know all the words to "Santana DVX" (and just because you camp out outside Akiva Schaffer's apartment, which you should definitely stop doing... oh wait... that's me) doesn't mean you know EVERYTHING about The Lonely Island.

Akiva Schaffer, Andy Samberg (who's hosting the 2009 MTV Movie Awards!), and Jorma Taccone sat down with me (well, technically I stood), and revealed the videos that inspired Incredibad, from R. Kelly's "Your Body's Callin'," to En Vogue's pants-j-ing "Never Gonna Get It" video, to the blessing and curse that was Snow's "Informer."

Watch them all below, or, if you'd rather click on a link than a button, watch The Lonely Island's Incredibad-inspired videos, with commentary right here.

For our latest installment of "Buzzworthy Twitters With," let's say twhello to our favorite Daddy formerly known as Puff, Diddy!

His tweets are in bold, our responses are in italics. Herrrre. Weeee. Goh!

I'm back!!! I was a little under the weather. Partied a little to hard. Lol   5:24 PM Feb 26th from TwitterBerry
Oh snap! It's hard out here for a pimp. We feel you, Diddy.

I feel very overwhelmed!!!. What do you do to help with that. Help me!!!   12:47 AM Feb 27th from TwitterBerry
Well, yoga might be cool? Or knitting? OR maybe starting a new reality TV show?? We hear that's kinda relaxing too...

In a stolen car on sunset with jonah hill and hype williams. Somebody call the cops!!!! Lol I'm serious   2:01 AM Feb 27th from TwitterBerry
WHAT THE?? A. You roll with Jonah Hill? That is amazing! LOVE him! B. Why is your ass in a stolen car!? C. Speaking of reality TV shows, Diddy Dispatches People To Junior's For Cheesecake Or To KFC From Behind Prison Bars would be *such* a killer show.

Having tantric sex!!!! I feel so much better.!!! Thank you   8:29 AM Feb 27th from TwitterBerry
Wow. Why. On. Earth. Did. You. Tweet. This. WHHHHYYYYYYY??? Please don't tell me Sting was involved. (Washing my eyes out with bleach).

For all those just tuning in. I'm 6 and half hrs in on a 36 hour tantric sex session. Welcome    3:59 PM Feb 27th from TwitterBerry
Uhm, Dear Dids/ Pappa Diddy/ Pops: please stop talking about gettin' busy. We don't want to have to beg, but we're not above it either.

If anyone is with q tip. Tell him to call me pls!!!!!   9:03 PM Feb 27th from TwitterBerry
Yo, Q-Tip Twitters too! Direct message dat ass (are there ANY celebs not in the Twitterverse now?). Also, thanks for not mentioning tantric sex again.

I believe I can fly!!! I'm flying!!! You can fly to if too if you would just BELIEVE!!!!! BELIEVE!!!!!! Do you BELIEVE??????   6:37 AM Feb 28th from TwitterBerry
You know what Diddy, we USED TO believe. But after following your 36-hour tantric Twitter sex fest, we no longer believe in living anymore.

We believe in Twitter and Diddy... but please, no moar tantric, dude. See you round the Twitterverse! Until then, appropriately, R. Kelly...

I don't wanna shatter any illusions here, but if you're looking to a professional blogger for advice on anything romantic, you have some serious thinking to do. That's why I'm handing this Valentine's Day post off to a pro. John Vesely, aka Secondhand Serenade has more magnetism in one frosted tip than the whole rest of the Internet combined. Can the Internet play piano and sing with its eyes closed? No. It doesn't even have feelings (or eyes). All it can do is make a heart out of a bracket and a three. Weak. John Vesely was born to tell you he loves you. Stick with him. Here's a special Valentine's Day message and a crazy romantic love-playlist from the man himself:

I've always been a lover, not a fighter which is why I love this time of year. And one of my true loves is obviously music. So to come up with a list of long songs/videos is no problem for a guy like me. It's the time of year where you hear songs you may have heard 100 times before, but you suddenly realize they have a special meaning or remind you of someone close to your heart. So hopefully you can take a look at the videos I decided to go with, and let it remind you of whoever may be that certain someone for you.

+ Jason Mraz, "I'm Yours" - A simple song and a simple video. Both are undeniable.
+ The Fray, "You Found Me" - The video showcases both a great band and a beautiful city.
+ Thriving Ivory, "Angels on the Moon" - These guys are good friends of mine. They went all out on this video.
+ Plain White T’s, "Hey There Deliah" - One of the biggest songs and best videos of a few years back.
+ Katy Perry, "Thinking of You" - I love her retro style, which is overly evident in this video.
+ Kanye West, "Love Lockdown" - Kanye is always evolving and this is a colorful, left-of-center display of his art.
+ Justin Nozuka, "After Tonight" - He's a great new young talent, which is clear as day in this, his first video.
+ R. Kelly, "Real Talk" - Because the video is just as real as the song.
+ We The Kings, "Secret Valentine" - Travis's hair turns me on.
+ Augustana, "Sweet and Low" - I love how the song was written it was written very personally.

Wow ... Thanks, John!!

Want more Valentine's Day playlists? OK. I got those, too. Do you love me yet? Please...?

+ V-Day Playlist: Let Me Count The Ways (Dashboard, Bright Eyes, Beyonce, etc)
+ V-Day Playlist: Love SUCKS (Alanis, Ashanti, Incubus, etc)
+ V-Day Playlist: Celebrity Wedding Songs (Lonestar, Marvin Gaye, Edwin McCain, etc)

<3<3<3

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