The first-best part of Kelly Clarkson's new "I Do Not Hook Up" video? The hilarious country club "Mumsy/ Buffy/ Bitsy" send-off AND the guy who loves the strawberries and shoots the raunchy table-clearing scene on his iPhone.

The next-best part of Kelly Clarkson's new video: The AMAZING Balmain crystal studded sandals, which are so mind-blowingly hot that they're like foreplay in the form of embellished strappy heels.

The actual factual Balmain studded heels that Kelly wears in "I Do Not Hook Up" have also graced the famous feet of Rihanna and Audrina Patridge. And they can grace yours for a breezy $1597.92.

Don't have the equivalent of a monthly mortgage laying around?

Well HELLO, Jeffrey Campbell's Balmain-inspired (wink-wink!) "Mel" heel! For the much-more-recession-friendly price of approximately $169, you can grab a highly similar pair, that is IF you can get your hands on them -- they've been going faster than bags of heroin at Pete Doherty's birthday party. You win at life on Whatapair.com if you're a size 6, 8, or 9. Or, check out Solestruck.com, where you can get on their waiting list. Look at you... All on a waiting list.

Plus:
+ Beyonce in Balmain!
+ Buzzworthy goes to Topshop!
+ See what's in Keri Hilson's handbag!

... And watch "I Do Not Hook Up" after the jump!

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I know some of you aren't old enough to remember old-school Jessica Simpson, but back in her Newlyweds days, the girl was SMOKIN' HAWT. And fashion-forward! And basically never would have been caught dead in a pair of dreaded Mom Jeans.

Back when the Jonas Brothers were still learnin' their ABCs back in Wyckoff, Jessica was the one who practically invented the purity ring... and chaste music videos like "Where You Are."

But times have changed, friends... for the way worse. And Jess took a wrong turn on the fashion highway somewhere between Calabasas and 99.9 Kiss Country’s 24th Annual Chili Cook-Off. (Don't even get me started on the chili cook-off situation.) As you can plainly see, the results bordered on catastrophic (and came far too close to Cameltoe Corner for my liking!)

Now, in Jessica's defense, we can think of no one on Planet Earfz who'd actually be able to rock those jeans successfully. HOWEVER, we know of many devices one might easily make use of when trying to decide if one looks acceptable in pants -- mirrors, pros/cons lists, AmIHotOrNot. And we can all agree that we're absolutely in the “NOT” category here?

This is just irresponsible. And tragic… and... fine... ok, bordering on gleefully enjoyable.

Jess, honey, you're gorgeous! Look at yourself! Just, next time, make like Mariah (and not Cindy McCain) and KNOW your Mom Jeans!

Hot Topic's new Tokio Hotel logo shirt's cool and all, but I got in touch with Matthew at the Names Brand -- he's the guy responsible for those Barack and Jonas Brothers tees -- and he whipped up a couple different styles of Tokio Hotel Names Brand tees. The Tokio Hotel t-shirt above is the cranberry glitter version, it's just $25, and it's the most grosses kino thing I've seen all day!

As you can see, the guys' names are listed as "Bill & Tom & Georg & Gustav," so if you don't like the order, you'll just have to deal, okay? Deal.

+ Plus: Watch Tokio Hotel perform "Monsoon" live from their 2008 TRL performance, from back in the days when Bill still had his Stevie Wonder hair!

Multihyphenate, multi-aliased, multimillionaire mogul Diddy recently announced another way you can smell like sweet sweet cash and Ciroq: I Am King, his not-at-all humbly named fragrance, which he celebrated -- again, not modestly in the least -- with ginormous billboards in Times Square and on Sunset Boulevard and a five-minute mini-movie/ audition, in which he cast himself in the role of James Bond and dedicated the fragrance to Barack Obama, Muhammad Ali, and Martin Luther King. Again, this is a moderate, unassuming campaign Diddy's running here.

I Am King is expected to pull in a regal $100 million globally in its first year alone. But what does I Am King, "a scent designed to inspire those who dream big and want to live large," according to the press material, smell like? Riding Jet Skis in a tux? Tossing fistfuls of hundreds off a yacht? Bar Rafaeli's leotard? Again, according to the press material, I Am King is "an untraditional fresh, fruity woody scent that combines clean notes with senusal fruits and warm skin nuances."

For those of you who majored in fragrancology (because pharmacology was all filled up), that aroma breaks down to notes of tangerine, orange, and cranberries, Imperial French Berry (wah?), Kir Royal and champagne, Mediterranean water accord (ahhhh), lemon cream, cedarwood, sandwood, and white moss. And clean-assed powderiness.

But, what does I Am King REALLY smell like, and HOW does that translate to the real world, if you will? I rounded up a few MTVers, and -- without telling them ahead of time what they were smelling -- squirted out a few king-sized spritzes and asked for their honest opinion. The general consensus: I Am King smells like girls, old ladies, and general Bitchassness.

Here's the breakdown:

James Montgomery: "It smells like clean laundry. It recalls fresh linens and Sunday mornings. i would definitely nail this. It also smells like bathrobes."

Jonathan Goldner: "If I knew a woman who wore this, I'd develop a crush on her. Is this Luscious Pink? What is this, and where can I buy it? It's too sweet for a man." Upon finding out it's cologne: It smells like Froot Loops."

Debbie Newman/ AKA Pop Cultured: "The intoxicating old-lady smell triggers a fragrance flashback to the (still-unused) bottle of Celine Dion Sensational I received three Christmases ago. Apparently, there was a shortage of coal that year."

Anonymous: "It smells like bad perfume. Like cheap perfume ... Oh no no no no no. I smelled all four Playboy perfumes, and all four scents smell better than that crap."

Control Freak, Remote Control Blog: "It smells like Drakkar. Like my boyfriend when I was 14. It smells pretty gross."

Nate Ford: "It's boozy and fruity. Like a boozy, fruity, teeny candy cocktail. Like an Appletini McDooDoo."

James C.: "It's a cologne? Oh f--- that! I wear sweet cologne but that s--- sucks. Ugh ... oh... OHHH!"

At that point, "James C." accidentally spilled a little I Am King and proceeded to wipe it on the wall of my cube. Now, after smelling it for hours, my nostrils are en fuego, and I'm starting to get angry IMs from people who work near me and even people who really don't work anywhere near me. So maybe that's what Diddy meant by "an explosion of intoxicating intensity."

Anyway, I Am King is available exclusively at Macy's ... or not -- it's sold out, because apparently a lot of people out there wanna smell like Diddy (that Daddy Yankee fragrance is still very much in stock!) -- and in many other places fine celebrity fragrances are sold beginning February 2009.

Look at you, just sittin' there, wishing with your wishes and wants, making your Kwannakamus list, wishin' for a pretty pony, and the new Britney album, and the new Lily Allen album (it's not ready already!), and "Wii Music," and a Charlie Brown Christmas tree.

Well add Trovata's "Lovers Love Life" t-shirt to your list. It's just $29.99 (you're welcome, Mom), and all of the proceeds go to the Staying Alive Foundation, which funds global HIV/AIDS awareness, education and prevention campaigns.

Don't you just love how the mod lettering says "I'm stylish" while subtly encouraging the use of a connie? 'Tis the always season to get tested, after all!

Pick up a limited-edition tee at Urban Outfitters or the MTV Shop, and check out Buzzworthy crush Kid Sister, with Trovata creative director John Whitledge at a launch event for the collabo.

Yes, that's Lil Mama, and no, sadly, this photo wasn't taken at Heidi Klum's annual Halloween party. Lil Mama actually arrived at the 2007 VMAs dressed like she'd just crawled out of the womb. And as if purple satin and puffy babydoll sleeves weren't criminal enough, Lil Mams had the gall to top it off with a matching bonnet and bejeweled passy. Classy! We get it, we get it. You're the voice of the young people. And the voice of the sippy cup set too, apparently. Except we can't really understand what the hell you're saying because you've got a DAMNED PACIFIER IN YOUR MOUTH, which makes us wonder if you were wearing a diaper under there too.

Thankfully Lil Mama's grown up and glossed up a bit in the past year on America's Best Dance Crew and hopefully will restrict he whole voice-of-the-young-people thing to metaphor.

But, that leaves room for someone else to take home an unofficial Moonman for worst-dressed celeb at this year's VMAs. Who do you think will show up to the 2008 VMAs in an outfit that, well, totally sucks?

This just in: Danity Kane to join the ever-growing list of celeb eye-candy slated to drop by at next weekend's VMAs! Expect to to see the lovely ladies of Making the Band 4 sashaying down the red carpet...undoubtedly while wearing the cutest/most uncomfortable strappy stiletto sandals in creation.

And it looks as though the glamazon girl group will have their very own cheering section in the form of MTB's on-again, off-again choreographer Laurie Ann Gibson (whose legendary lack of volume control is almost as well-chronicled as her infamous throwdown with Diddy himself).

Anyhow, it all works out great, actually, seeing as how the girls have an excellent shot at taking home the highly coveted Best Dancing In A Video Moonman. (That is, assuming they can triumph over the Pussycat Dolls and their unabashed ode to famewhoring).

So, to recap: Sunday, September 7th, 2008, MTV Video Music Awards: Danity Kane (i.e. Aubrey, Aundrea, D. Woods, Dawn and Shannon) will be there! Laurie Ann Gibson will be there! Day 26 may or may not be there! And, most importantly, you will be there -- if only in the metaphorical watching-it-on-tv-instead-of-doing-your-homework sense.

Here we have Pamela Anderson at the 1999 VMAs, and it looks like we caught her during one of her on-again periods with both Tommy Lee and with her breasts. This outfit is bad, even by Pam Anderson standards, if you could call them standards. The top is like some kind of bastard bridal Renaissance Faire creation. And while her outer-galaxies-go-Middle-Eastern pants are beyond odious, perhaps we should just be grateful that she wore pants in the first place. (This is, after all, the same woman who wore a bikini to her wedding.)

And to top it all off, some poor mall Easter Bunny died for that hat. At the very least though, it helps conceal the bustedness that is all that blue eye shadow. (Seriously, not even your grandma gets a free pass out of that one.)

Meanwhile Tommy Lee looks like a cross between a boozy old flasher and a stoned Inspector Gadget. Go go, gadget PUT SOME FREAKING PANTS ON.

Speaking of pants and stuff, see who looked even worse and who looked better (not hard to do) at the VMAs. And if you're not eating, check out photos of the gruesome twosome sucking each other's faces off at the 2007 VMAs. And then, check out the money shot: Tommy Lee and Kid Rock (who's performing at the 2008 VMAs on Sunday, September 7) throwin' 'bows over Pam later that same night. Easy boys! There's plenty enough Pammy to go around!

Plus:
+ Trashbag Tuesday With Ice-T's Wife, Coco!
+ Michael Jackson's Mayhem Monday!

Seriously, can you even BELIEVE that Ice-T's wife, "model" Coco, DEIGNED to show up to the 2005 VMAs without covering up her roots? Gawd. It's like she has no shame whatsoever.

For more shameless VMA fashion, check out Lil Kim's trashtacularity and Rose McGowan's butt-free situation and more fashion yays and nays here.

+ Plus: Michael Jackson's Mayhem Monday!

In her latest video, "Sandcastle Disco," Solange is like a one-woman episode of I Love the 70's, channeling Diana Ross and offering up a high-speed highlight reel of the best of the "Me Decade."

From disco-era fashion (our sympathies to the ostrich who died and came back as that dress), art-world trends (hope Warhol has a sense of humor), and the psychedelic special effects (It's like "Rock Band" meets the F.A.O. Schwarz scene in Big!) Knowles' video is like a slightly campier version of Project Runway's Michael Kors. And we mean that in the most endearing way possible. (Seriously, we love you, girl!)

Check out "Sandcastle Disco" for yourselves and watch Solange transform into a modern-day Donna Summer.