In case you're not caught up on all the Kanye West news you can use, 'Ye launched a  Louis Vuitton footwear collection, he's not doing bi-porn -- a message he delivered in another ALL-CAPS blog rant -- and he may or may not be the Tokin' Black Guy. But, most ridiculously, Kanye's decided to change his name to Martin Louis The King, Jr.

First of all, WTF?

Second of all, for the love of GAWD, can someone puhleez explain to me why some hip-hop artists...
+ Each have like 648 names?
+ Change their names allll theeee timmmme?

Observe:
+ Lil Wayne is known as: Lil and Wayne (fair enough); Weezy, Weez and Weezy F. Baby.
+ Diddy: Formerly Puff Daddy, formerly Puff/Puffy, formerly P. Diddy, AKA Sean John.
+ Kanye: Yeezy, Yeez, Louis Vuitton Don, Pee Wee ('kay, that one was ours), and now Martin Louis The King, Jr.
+ Notorious B.I.G.: also known as Biggie, Biggie Smalls, Big Poppa, Notorious, Christopher and now Twitter Biggie (ok, that one is ours too).
+ Jay-Z: Jigga, H.O.V.A., Jazzy, Shawn, Mr. Carter.

It's like, I gotta make some flashcards or a spreadsheet just to keep track of everyone.

So to the hip-hop community at large (you too, Madonna, before you try to dump yet another Biblical reinvention on us again), a simple plea: Can we all agree that TWO is the max number of names you can work with?

And can we also agree that helping design a pair of red shoes (and it's not like he even COBBLED them together or sewed them by hand!) does NOT give you the right to equate yourself with one of the greatest civil rights leaders ever born? And an assassinated one, at that?

A message from kwest on Vimeo.

Who are you, Tokin' Black Guy, if that's even your REAL name! Are you a semi-incognito Pharrell Williams? A way WAY underground lost Dungeon Family artist? Some kind of viral marketing single dropped by Swatch? And should I feel weird about your name? (Though we are pretty much living in post-white America, after all.)

Your tracks magically appeared in my inbox (maybe that's why you call yourself a rocket scientist), and while I can't find any evidence that corroborates your "produced by Kanye West" subject line, I like the Kanye-minus-the-mortifyingly-bad-singing-habit/ low-fi feel, complete with MS Paint flair.

+ Listen to Tokin' Black Guy's "Body Clock" and the extremely-Andre 3000-ifici "Turn My Music High," and tell me who YOU think Tokin' Black Guy REALLY is...